Do not sit on the toilet, you will think about stupid things and end up writing top 10 lists about aliens. My country of origin has created a shitload of good sci-fi over the years so I felt like celebrating it below, my only regret is that no video game characters appeared - but sadly Rex, Zub or Zool just couldn't compete with the 10 below. So are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.
10. The Bat Beast of Kent!
It seems right to have at
least one alien on the list whose origins are in the real world rather than
fiction, but honestly Britain’s a bit short on extra-terrestrials of note, with
most of our cryptids eschewing sci-fi for the horror genre – or just being big
fucking dinosaurs. There’s a possibility,
I suppose, that the Owlman of Mawnan might be an alien, but there’s also
the possibility that the Owlman of Mawnan if a complete load of bollocks
invented by a mad stage magician who once flat out hoaxed the Loch Ness
Monster, but then there’s the Bat Beast of Kent. Get this; four teenagers are on the way home from
a party in '63 when they see a orb of light descend and land in Sandling Park in Kent,
just afterwards a bizarre five-foot tall thing comes out of the underbrush, a
seemingly headless monster with webbed feet and large wings like that of a bat –
unlike Owlman this lot didn’t tell their story to a paranormal investigator but
went straight to the police, pants still full of terrified shit. It is of
course totally possible they were all pissed as farts but another, sober,
fellow also saw the ball of light and reported it so the theory is roughly ‘well
if that was real, then the bat-thing was too’. I’m honestly not sure I believe
in aliens and thus if it wasn't an alien I’m not sure what I’d think the Bat
Beast would be – aside from fucking terrifying – but it’s similarities to the
very well documented Mothman of Point Pleasant, who only appeared a few years
later, makes me wonder, y'know? and it's a cool story. And look, I wrote a whole paragraph about a freak in
Kent and didn't make a joke about in-breeding! Go me!
09. Galaxus!
Easily the lest well known
of the choices for this list, Galaxus was an adventure strips (‘strips’ –
individual comic strips within British comics which are typically anthology
titles - are usually categorized as either ‘comic/comedy’ or ‘adventure’
strips) appeared in British comic book Buster from 12th November 1966 to 15th
June 1974, an impressive 7 and a bit consecutive years when even the bigger
names in adventure stripes tended to either come in bursts (Danny and his Iron
Fish, Billy The Cat, Jimmy & His Magic Patch) or barely last a few years
(The Spider, Cursitor Doom, Janus Stark). I’m not including him for his
longevity though, I’m including him for the purely subjective reason that he’s
awesome, he’s a little alien monkey-thing that turns into a big alien monkey
thing and fights the government, I know this is a terrible reason to put
something in a top 10 list and very unprofessional and all that but fuck you –
big monkey big! Yeah The Leopard From Lime Street is certainly Buster’s
definitive Adventure strip (and lasted a bit longer than Galaxus too, clocking
in over 9 years) but he’s not a big alien money-thing is he?
08. Mr Spoon!
I don’t think if it’s ever
explicitly stated that the planet the Spoon family lives on in Button Moon
isn’t supposed to be earth, I mean it’s quite earth-like (it even has a council
estate, quite radical really, especially as we’re discussing Button Moon) but
as they’re made out of fucking household goods and there is a witch and a
dragon and anthropomorphic animals, not to mention talking jellies just
off-planet, I’m going to consider them aliens. I do love Button Moon, I know
it’s a bit shit but it has achieved that kind of ‘nostalgic iconic’ status that
makes t-shirts of it acceptable for adults to wear out (still haven’t got any
toys though, why no Mr Spoon toys? WHY?) and the designs of the characters are
by and large clever and well thought out so I feel comfortable putting him at
number 8, he’s a nice bloke too, the odd voyeuristic tendency aside.
07. The Martians from War of the Worlds!
Ooo-laaaa – yeah War of the
World’s was written by an Englishman, not Jeff Wayne no (he’s from Queens), our
boy H.G. Wells; hell the first of the spheres lands in Woking, birthplace of
one of the greatest Englishmen to ever walk the earth, not Churchill no (he’s
from Dickfaceland), Paul Weller. The Martians’ Tripods stride across sci-fi as
big heat-ray shooting icons, and having seen the stage show they remain as
terrifying as they were that time they put the shits up about a third of
America (lol), you know when Orson Welles did it on radio? If not, Google it.
Why are they so low? Because I can kill them by coughing on them, that’s why –
sorry if spoilers from a book written in 1898 bother you but the Martians’ immune systems can’t take
earth bacteria, so they lose some of their awesomity (that IS a word) when you
can massacre them via the sniffles.
06. The Doctor!
Doctor
who? Sorry, sorry. Anyway yeah, The Doctor, perhaps Britain’s most famous TV
hero, is only number six – why? Because there’s 14 of ‘em; Every fan has their
favourite and I swear it is impossible for two of them to rank the 14 (I’m
including John Hurt) in the same order (by the way, if you find a member of the
opposite sex who does rank the doctors the same as you – marry them!),
personally speaking I like Sylvester McCoy, Tom Baker, David Tennant and
William Hartnel while Matt Smith and Peter Davidson get on my nerves; I’d make
a joke that at least we all agree that Colin Baker sucks, but apparently we
don’t because (internet reviewing sensation and dedicated Whovian) Diamanda
Hagan loves him. It’s this sheer divisive nature of the character that holds
him back if you ask me, on top 10 lists anyway…
05. Marvin the Paranoid Android!
[Insert
Radiohead lyrics here] yeah just about all of the major aliens in Hitchiker’s
could be here, you could easily suggest that the Vogons, Zaphod Beeblebrox and
Ford Prefect are just as deserving a slot as a chronically depressed robot that
was once voiced by Alan Rickman but, I’d argue – it’s Marvin for fuckssake,
he’s a chronically depressed robot that was once voiced by Alan Rickman, no
other characters have been voiced by Severus Snape have they? On a more serious
note, I think it’s fair to say that Marvin is the ‘mascot’ of the HItchiker’s
Guide to the Galaxy franchise, and certainly the most recognisable (well his
name is, I mean he’s from a radio play originally, they don’t have pictures) and
is easily the funniest, which is a point – as a sufferer of clinical depression
I’m sure I should be offended my illness is being played for laughs, but I’m
just not – I dunno, maybe because the affliction is not mocked so much as it
played off of, I don’t get ‘it’s funny to be depressed’ from it, more ‘it’s
funny to see people react to chronic pessimism and to see chronic pessimism
reacts to things’.
04. The Soup Dragon!
The
Clangers are cute but come on, you all preferred the Soup Dragon, admit it to yourself,
I’m sure you’ve bought a little Clanger stuffed toy (I have), either ironically
or not, but when you see an episode – you’re waiting for the Soup Dragon to
appear and you’re always happier when she does. So in conclusion; it’s all
about the Soup Dragon. That is why the Soup Dragon is representing The Clangers
– one of the most charming and fascinating children’s shows ever produced,
because the Soup Dragon is the real star of the show, not bad for some wood
with Fuzzy Felts glued on it.
03. The Mysterons!
The
Mysterons are sheer genius, they are the ultimate example of ‘less is more’,
with them the Andersons managed to create a genuine threat that was genuinely
threatening, that scared kids and can still unnerve them (at least) today if
reactions to the CGI show was anything to go by – with a vocal synthesiser and
two rings of light. Let’s see you do that; let’s see you create an iconic
villain with a torch and a funny voice. On a rough tangent one of the coolest
toys of the 90’s was Captain Scarlet related, it was a Mysterons ‘gun’ from
Vivid Imaginations, pulling the trigger shot the Mysterons’ light out and at
the same time activating a voice changer so you could speak in the Voice of the
Mysterons, fantastic. Also one fact about the Mysterons: it was all Spectrum’s
fault they got so determined to fuck earth up in the first place, Captain Black
blew up a base of theirs almost totally unprovoked, because he’s a prick (but
another damn fine villain).
02. The Mekon!
Must…contain…enthusiasm…for…Dan…Dare…must…not…rant…about…Dan
Dare’s…lack of…merchandise…*EHEM* *cough* despite that arsehole Judge Dredd’s
continued high profile, Dan Dare remains our great comic hero (Dredd isn't really a hero is he? More of a, well, fascist cop) – I maintain that he’s ‘our’
Captain America (I also maintain that our ‘Superman’ is Desperate Dan, which I
guess makes Judge Dredd ‘our’ Spawn, OK I’ll stop grumbling about Dredd, I do
like his stories, I just don’t like him that much) but for all Dan’s
awesomeness (and there’s a lot of it) I honestly think it’s his villain, the
mighty melon that is the Mekon, that has had the true staying power. I still
hear people refer to big headed people as ‘The Mekon’ (yes that’s cruel, but
also slightly funny) and the Mekon was a fantastic character, this petty little
alien who was such a huge threat…wait…the Mekon’s Adolf Hitler! A little shit
with a big conquering army and a master race way of thinking, holy shit, I just
got that – of course unlike a certain singular bollocked failed artist, the
Mekon was actually a physical threat on his own – big noggin, big telepath -
he’s also a superb design, very alien and yet very expressive with a face that
always seemed like it was scheming. God I love Dan Dare.
01. The Daleks!
I
have to justify this why? It’s the Daleks. More people can recognise the
fucking pepper pots of Skaro than they can the current prime minister, they’re
one of the greatest villains ever created in fiction, they terrified about
three generations of children and thrilled around five to six, they’re actually
good characters even if they are faceless murder machines (you understand their
motivations is what I mean), they've remained a genuine threat (now they can go
upstairs), they've an engaging backstory, a commanding presence. They’re the
Doctor’s greatest foes and one of the most iconic (yes I've used that word
three times, but I this it’s appropriate all three times) characters in
television, hell in any media – in the UK they’re on the same level as Mario,
Tony the Tiger and Spider-Man. My mum knows what a Dalek is; YOUR mum knows
what a Dalek is. This is not just because it’s Dr Who, this is because the
Daleks are without a doubt the greatest British Alien, in fact they’re one of
the greatest aliens in fiction, Superman is lower down the list than them
(sorry Clark, it’s just, well, they’ve got more personality than you mate – and they've removed all their emotions). Aaaannd that's my list, carefully prepared on the toilet and utterly faultless in every regard. If you have read this, feel free to argue how wrong it actually is, you'll probably be right. Ta all.
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