This morning wasn’t that great. I know I usually open these this year with amusing but ultimately insignificant woes attached to bootsailing but y’know, they’re not THAT bad, it’s mostly just comic exaggeration to get a laugh out at you at my expense (except Collier Row bootsale, that really is that shitty), being dusty or temporarily bored can be funny but it’s not a terrible situation. This bootsale sucked though, not because of the bootsale itself (though it was somewhat unproductive) but because I ended it by having an hour long panic attack, now I did have a surfing shark to cuddle so it wasn’t the worst panic attack I’ve ever had but it really does put a damper on an outing, it’s also pretty hard to concentrate on, or care about, stalls full of other people’s old crap, it’s hard to concentrate on to care about anything actually. You’d think that, as I have them once a week at least, I’d be able to recognise panic attacks coming on way in advance, but it still takes me a good five minutes of thinking ‘I feel really weird’ before I cotton on because sometimes I’m fucking daft, anyway I’m very used to having panic attacks and can suffer them well but that doesn’t mean I like having them and I like having them in public places even less and in public places I visit regularly even less than that, I feel very self-conscious next time I go even though I know, rationally, no fucker noticed in the slightest because they were all too busy looking at old crockery and second hand handbags but y’know if the rational part of me was in charge I wouldn’t have random panic attacks in fields. Today’s take-home was also fairly middling, not terrible and certainly not un-exciting, just meh. Maybe it’s the lead-up-to and after effects of panicking for an hour, it’s hard to really enthuse about Flintstones candy containers when you’re acutely aware of how terrible and worthless your life is and that most people think you’re a loser. I will try though, and also to those people: I’m a loser with a surfing shark to cuddle actually, bitches. I took a photo anyway, not because it was an impressive haul worth commemorating but more because I just wanted to see a group shot that included Master Splinter, Will Smith, Bart Simpson, an evil clown and the happiest Venom ever:
I was right wasn’t it? It’s delightful. Venom agrees with me, but then he thinks EVERYTHING is delightful. So are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin:
The Surfing Shark!
Or Frank, as I’ve dubbed him. Thought I better throw some context out about that reoccurring surfing shark gag up there as early as possible, I really did buy a cuddly surfing shark – he’s from Hawaii and it was love at first sight. I think I’ve pinned down why I was so taken with him, at first I just thought it was his perfect ‘walking down the beach to the waves’ stance and grumpy little face but I’ve since decided it’s because it’s a massive middle finger to Surfers and its existence is wonderful in its wrongness. Sharks are famous for eating two things: surfers and Robert Shaw, so tourist shops in Hawaii decided to make their target audiences’ only natural predator into one of them and sell it to them to remind them of the good times they had because the cuddly toy’s inspiration wasn’t eating them. Frank is the guy who steals your girlfriend and then turns up to your birthday party with her only with blood in the water and missing calf muscles, he is flagrantly flaunting his fuck you and I love him, and alliteration.
A Really Dirty Tusken Raider!
33p (43¢) approx.
I have never done a before and after comparison on these posts, I’m sure you care. Why am I doing it now? Because this is the dirtiest toy I’ve bought in a looong time and I wanted to prove to you that I have no shame, that I know what I’m doing when I buy old toys and point out how utterly fitting it is that a Tusken Raider, a character who spends all his time in the desert, was the toy that looked like it’d spent three years buried in someone’s litter box. Why did I buy this though? Cos I knew I could clean it up - I’m not that clever, you do something often enough you remember things about it, in this case if you clean enough dirty toys you get a good idea of what you can wash off and what you can’t (I have had to leave behind three Monday Night Wars-era Goldbergs because of this, why are all the Goldberg’s so irreparably scuffed up? Did kids just Spear them into everything? They did didn’t they? I just answered my own question didn’t I?).
A Smorgasbord of Reading Material
£7 ($9.13) all together
I have a very… wide range of subjects I like to read about; sure I often stick to rock ‘n’ roll, murderers, theme parks, ghosts and comic books but sometimes it’s fruit with faces, sometimes it’s natural disasters and sometimes it’s what it’s like to live through the occupation of the Channel Islands by the Third Reich. My bookshelves allow me to be the number 1 suspect in any murder in the county, as well as stock the quirkiest of doctor’s waiting rooms. Anyway the books themselves? Well the Real Ghostbusters comic is because fuck you Ghostbusters, Hollywood Babylon is a pretty famous piece of muck raking originally published in 1959 (this is a reprint obviously, especially as that version was in French) and was banned after only 10 days of being released in English back in ’65. It’s sensationalized bullshit from cover to cover but I’ve never read it and have longed to for some time. Savage Land is a fairly old Marvel trade paperback collecting the first few issues of Marvel Fanfare, which was launched to clean out all the inventory stories Marvel had amassed at the time and featured an original X-Men & Spider-Man story with art by such greats as Michael Golden, Paul Smith and Dave Cockrum. As for the Munch Bunch? Well fun fact, The Munch Bunch illustrations are all gone, lost to a fire, so every time you buy a Munch Bunch book, be it the small Mr Men-esque series of an Annual like this, you’re not only buying a book that’s way too young for you and contains some questionable racial stereotypes you’re technically preserving a piece of history.
Also, if you’re wondering ‘do you actually read these shitty kids’ books you buy dwitefry?’ the answer is yes. I think we’ve established by now I have a nice list of problems and I keep things like these around because they provide a nice easy shot of relaxation and happiness, I doubt that, say, Johnny Rotten or Matt Stone & Trey Parker would approve of my methods but they’re not living with my mental problems nor have they spent years working out the best ways to deal with them (in the case of the latter pair they have their own mental problems, being a pair of cunts is a mental problem right?).
I think we can all agree this is the best purchase of the day (sorry, Frank). Let’s unpack what we got for 10p shall we? A partially transparent space ship, a dart board with only one dart for turning darts into sci-fi themed coin tosses, a plastic cassette tape, a small robot that looks just enough like a Ninja Turtle to be wonderful and an action figure which you can’t tell from my photos but is actually knocked-off from a Trendmasters Battlestar Galactica Cylon wearing the console from Inside Out - all on card art featuring knock-off ships from two separate franchises. 10p, half a Freddo, for all of this, bargains can be had at bootsales, especially if you standards are as low as mine. The bloke actually had two different sets, the other came with a little gold Millennium Flacon but also came with a shitty plastic watch and I was way to weirded out by my oncoming panic attack to be dealing with plastic jewellery (makes me feel sick remember) so I just stayed with the dart board, I’m never too weirded out for darts…well technically letting me play darts during a panic attack would be dangerous-ish so I guess I could be - but it’d only injure other people, I’d be ok.
Fred the Mutant!
Is Fred creeping you out a little bit too? I’ve never seen him that close up in such sharp focus before, I think I’ll scroll down a bit. Biker Mice from Mars was awesome: it was about battle scarred freedom fighting alien Metalhead mice and their hot mechanic friend who rode space bikes to fight corporate fish-men, yeah it was another TMNT-alike and not as good as Dragon Flyz or Skeleton Warriors but did you just read my description of it? And the show did justice to the concept too, it was surprisingly dark. And it had a kick-ass theme tune. Fred was the comic relief sidekick for the villains, a drooling science experiment Dr Karbunkle put together wrong one afternoon when there was nothing good on telly, I think he may have been my favourite character (oh no, there as an Elvis impersonating skeleton, scratch that Fred was my second favourite character). There were two Fred figures released in the original Biker Mice toyline, this version that came with Dr Karbunkle and an all green version that came with the Transporter Playset, I had the green version but somehow lost the playset and had Karbunkle but had lost this version of Fred, now I just need the playset again, I’m sure it’ll cost more than 25 pence but it’s a giant purple post box of doom so it’ll be money well spent.
TMNT 3-D Trading Cards!
£2 ($2.61) for all four packs
I have no prior experience with these 3D trading cards, I mean the concept is pretty easy to grasp – they’re either holographic 3D cards featuring Ninja Turtles or cards that are tiny pop-up books featuring Ninja Turtles and both of those things are just fine thank you but before today I’d never encountered them nor knew of their existence - it’s nice to find a new TMNT thing to obsess over temporarily. These were the last things I bought and my panic attack was starting to set in, my panic attacks give me a pain in my chest that feels like someone pushing the heel of their boot through me and I get very hopeless, very nervy, very out of it and sometimes I pass out, imagine if I’d’ve passed out and my new TMNT trading cards got muddy? Or worse yet, if Frank did? Wait, he’d be a mud shark then right? Ha! Fun with words. What was I talking about before I became Comic Book Guy then a side-character on Sesame Street? Oh yeah, panic attacks, as well as all those symptoms I forget large lumps of the panic attack, that’s why I’m bringing this up because I don’t remember giving the bloke the money directly nor saying thank you, so bald version of Simon Pegg who was doing the deal over the robo-pets? Thank you for the trading cards and your two pound was near the Minecraft toys, hope you found it, sorry if I seemed rude, I was having a mental illness moment.
Bonus Chap Mei Octopus!
Remember my friend who gifted me the psychotic mushroom that ate genitals? No? That’s ok you don’t really exist and I wouldn’t expect you to retain the crap I post in these things if you did but she gave me this over the weekend and even though it’s not from a bootsale it is second hand and it’s a kraken and so needs to be highlighted. This is the large Chap Mei octopus, one of the biggest and most impressive of Chap Mei’s sea beasts (it probably comes in third in size? After Mighty Mo and the Sea Serpent? is the Killer Whale bigger?) and like all the large beasts was packed only in one or two expensive sets so it now hard to find, I’ve been looking for it for literally years because it is that awesome an octopus (it squirts water too). My one has the expression of really fucking hating you and that only helps his new role as a killer of random water-themed G.I. Joes (poor Shipwreck). Also because I’m a shit photographer it looks like that Batman: The Animated Series fast food toy is shaving foam hair, maybe that’s why the Octopus is so angry, it knew this and knew that as soon I saw him looking like he had an ice-cream’s judge’s wig on his head I’d use that picture. Or it’s just cheap paint apps applied by poor over-worked and underpaid sods for a company that makes discount toys for Toys ‘R’ Us and Animal Planet. Anyway thanks lovely Annie for getting this for me, it's... well it’s a giant Octopus that squirts water - that’s high praise in and of itself! I wish I was that.
On that fine octopus I shall stop yammering about crap I bought second hand and my panic attacks and fuck off to bed to watch something nice and soothing, I think Battle Royale’s in the player at the moment, what? I find jailbait killing each other soothing. Thanks for reading, all.