I
am well impressed with how our chain stores are pimping Halloween out this
year.
I
went into Romford today because I wanted to buy Trick ‘r Treat (which I’ve
never seen) and seeing as it was now early October I thought I’d also tour some
of the shops there that usually have a Halloween isle and see if they had
anything worth buying, plus see if I couldn’t get a ‘Romford Sells Halloween’
type post out of it as well. My. God. Everywhere I went didn’t just have a
Halloween isle, it had a Halloween celebration, Asda, Poundland, Sainsbury’s,
The Range and Wilkinson Wilko are
filled with delightful tack to drape all over your house (Lawn Haunts tend not
to work so well round here, most people have got drives and those who haven’t
know full well the scummy kids will just come and kick everything to pieces
while half-pissed on cheap cider from the Co-Op) and our new party shop Party
Delights had turned an isle into a Halloween Toys R Us and our old party shop
Pairs just is a Halloween Toys R Us at the moment (I didn’t go in Pairs though,
I don’t like their dummies1 and anyway they don’t allow photos).
There was such an embarrassment of riches I’m having to do a post EACH for the shops, I'm calling these articles Chain Gores, because I excel at wordplay. I went to Asda first
so we’ll start there, now are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.
I
was hopeful that Asda might have something good for me, last year they turned
an isle into a kind of ‘Tunnel of Halloween’ and it was superb, this year
they’ve been a bit more reserved and themed it kind of like a…monster club and
dance-floor? I didn’t’ even notice they’d put a decal on the floor at first, I
was way too magpieified by all the cool shit on the shelves - it appears to be some kind of weird mix of Simon Says, Dance Dance Revolution and Snakes & Ladders, colourful though.
George-ina
and the Moster Disco!
Never
been attracted to a supermarket mascot before, it’s weird, so thank you Asda
for George-ina who mixes Vampire, Gravity Falls, Monster High and the Bride of
Frankenstein into one naughty, Gothy, delicious mixture - and also apparently
mans the cloak room in this monster disco, though whoever did the artwork seems
to think cloakrooms are some kind of magical makeover centre and not depressing
dark-wood cupboards manned by the terminally bored and disinterested. Mind you
if someone as sassy as George-ina was running it maybe it would be a fun place
for all. Incidentally I think the big zombie is supposed to look Gangsta but to
me he just looks like he’s bunked off school.
George
at Asda presents Tasteful Tat!
All
of the supermarkets have seemingly gone in for own-brand Halloween merch this
year, which bodes well for the popularity of the holiday if the sales are good
enough it makes Asda and Sainsbury’s want as much of the profit as possible.
George at Asda is handling all of Asda’s own-brand Halloween goodies this year,
they’re the store’s fashion and house furnishing people (it was started by the
bloke who headed NEXT throughout the 80’s) and in keeping with their ‘fashion
label’ aspirations they’ve very much gone for the ‘tasteful’ side of
decorations – it’s all the crap you’d find in an average cheap seaside shop but
made of better plastic and in minimalist packaging. It don’t half work though,
their stuff feels swanky and like it somehow means more, the difference between buying a Barbie doll and a
generic loose fashion doll. I actually meant to go back and buy one of those
plastic ravens and maybe one of those REALY SHINY black china skulls but I
completely forgot, how could I forget about plastic ravens? I’m a heathen.
Super
Adorable Shit!
I’m
fascinated by cute Halloween decorations, it’s the paradox of them I think, or
just because there’s always something super adorable amongst ‘em. I want to be
going ‘ugh, Halloween is supposed to be scary’ but I always end up going ‘awww,
lookit that widdle skeleton, he has a little Spooky sign and he’s going ‘oh, I
dunno, maybe spooky?’ he’s just so loveable’ – I blame the Care Bears. I’m very
impressed by the sponge revenant who may well end up being the scariest thing in
the next Mario game but what especially fascinated me here was the Gay Clockwork
Orange Frankenstein’s Monster; I have no problem with being gay, or
dressing as Droog for Halloween, or for
that matter being a Frankenstein’s Monster, I just never thought I’d ever see
the three combined, with real fabric bow-tie, especially not in a supermarket.
Those
Hand Bowls!
These
things never work, we had one and it lasted about 35 minutes before it stopped
grabbing and just sat halfway as we mocked it and took all of its chocolate
eyeballs. I have no idea what the Halloween Dildo Set for kids is but Pumpkin
Push-Ons! Have I just been totally ignorant of these all the years? Or are they
a thing that’s just getting popular now? People are making plastic faces for
Jack O’ Lanterns to turn them into macabre Halloween Mr Potato Heads? Do you
think you could get the light to shine through? That might be something to look
into later in the month…
Trick
or Treating Pails of Various Kinds!
I
was surprised by Asda having a whole section for Trick or Treating accessories,
I was under the impression that over here Trick or Treating was generally the
most frowned upon tradition of the holiday, what with everyone hating people,
joining in and fun, not wanting to give things away and every house having at
least 2.7 paedophiles per room. Apparently this isn’t the case and I couldn’t
be happier, I just wish I knew some 6-10 years olds I could take trick or
treating now. Asda’s various pails are all incredibly precious, the rubber bat
bowls look like they’re frolicking do they not, so adorable, I really wanted to
buy one of those hands - they’re a marvellous contraption I’ve never seen
before, a big plastic hand with a long tube-like bag in the centre, so people
put things in the palm of their hand and they fall into the bag, ingenious! But
I couldn’t think of any uses I’d have for one, I did think of something - right after
I’d gotten home: fuck nuggets.
Masks!
Asda
are really winning the Supermarket Halloween Mask Competition this year (it’s
totally a thing, you just don’t know about it because you don’t work in a
supermarket, and if you do no-one told you because you weren’t cool enough),
while the other shops are happy with the cuter and cheaper stuff, Asda have got
a whole range of downright gruesome exclusive masks, while I was looking around
a mother gleefuly let her son try one of those hairy horned Satan monster masks
in the top right, the most normal, white, middle-class mum and she was so happy
to see her son dressed as satanic imagery, Halloween: the great leveller. Shall
I just run through the gory highlights and see if you can spot ‘em? There’s a
shiny gold mechanical ghoul; a red thing that looks like a Scooby Doo villain;
a werewolf mask that’s far too good to be an own-brand supermarket item; a
monster with a massive cut down his face and a shredded, falling out eyeball;
I’m pretty sure that’s Pumpkinhead; randomly paired combinations of brightly
coloured skulls and cheap wigs; alien skulls and the panda. I actually think
the Panda’s the scariest thing here, it looks so real, and while you may think
it’s random I think it must have done something really bad to have been grouped
with all this lot, what on earth did the Panda do?
Glow-in-the-Dark
DVDs
These
look so good and I nearly missed them, they’re back against a column, tucked
into a little corner like monsters waiting to strike – which is because they totally
are monsters waiting to strike! Each classic monster movie (I’m guessing they’re
all owned by Universal?) has a new glow-in-the-dark box and each box has a
textured feeling to its central picture. They’ve picked some real good ‘uns too
– Child’s Play 2! The Mummy! John Carpenter’s The Thing! Tremors – fucking Tremors!
Frankenstein! An American Werewolf in
London! (bluuuue moon!). The only problem is… I have all of them bar Dead
Silence (which I’ve never seen)…so I bought Dead Silence. They’re a fiver, they’re
glow-in-the-dark, I’m only human - it took all my will power not to buy
Frankenstein again just to have a glow-in-the-dark Boris Karloff face in my DVD
racks.
Halloween
Baking!
I
nearly passed out from glee when I saw this, I’m not kidding, I went a bit
giddy, Halloween baking. I don’t know exactly what it is about combining these
two concepts that made me so excited but by god how wonderful, you and you
children can make little mummy cupcakes, how wonderful is that? And little
ghostly cake-pops! And a Haunted Gingerbread House, fuck yeah, that is so
fucking sensible a thing, why is this the only one I’ve ever seen in stores? I
actually read the box for that one with the intention of making it, it looks
really complicated, like more complicated than Lego complicated - I put it back
for now. And they have really gone all-in with the theme too, they’ve got
specially branded Halloween frosting and icing, special seasonal Halloween
sprinkles – including ones in the shapes of bats, they’re not just normal
sprinkles in a new packet, they’re especially made for Halloween sprinkles, I’m
so pleased by this my paragraph isn’t even interesting to read anymore, I’m
just pointing at things and saying what they are in excitement and I’m not even
in the shop! *takes a deep breath* Even though I’ve never consider it before I
am now adamant everyone should bake for Halloween, and Asda has made it so you
have no excuse and frankly no choice, lookit them little mummy cakes, how can
you resist.
I’m
not gonna top Halloween baking, so I’ll leave Asda and go to a different shop,
Poundland’s just across the shopping centre, shall we go there?
1 a fittingly Halloween admission: I suffer from Automatonophobia, specifically the fear of
life-like and semi-life-like human mannequins, Pairs has hundreds of the
bastards, I keep out of there.
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