Wednesday, 22 February 2017

Nine Examples of Crap I Waste My Money On - Roton Edition!*

Just a quick stop off at one of my most over-used post types, I sold the Masters of the Universe Classics Roton because it was just too big for the pathetic size of my living quarters and thus I had an eBay spend-up, no doubt buying enough stuff to equal if not overtake the mass of the thing I sold – I’ve never claimed to be sensible. This also coincided with some fruitful Charity Shop and Cheap Shop trips so are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin:

Mr Cadbury’s Parrot(s)!
£8 for all three
These little grape flavoured nutters, well technically it’s just one grape flavoured nutter as they’re all of the same character, was the mascot for Cadbury’s Mini-Eggs, supported by madcap adverts featuring an uncontrollable puppet and a variation of Mr Slater’s Parrot by the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band sung by their actual lead singer, ginger geezer Viv Stanshall (an eccentric delight who died after he fell asleep and set himself on fire, there could be no better choice). Cadbury’s AND the Bonzos? Is it any wonder I was a fat child? Not only did I have to save up proof of purchases but Viv Stanshall was telling me I should eat more chocolate – in song! Anyway these were made by Ideal (yeah, THAT Ideal) and you had to send off money to get them, they came individually carded and you could get one or the whole set, as they were doing the same offer for the Cadbury’s Caramel Bunny – perhaps my favourite mascot – at the same time mum only let me get one of the four parrots (the one that’s not pictured, funnily enough), I’ve now finally rectified my mistake and completed the set, the wonders of having your own money.

The Toxic Sludge Dump!
When I was wee, but not really wee, semi-wee, about 8 years wee, there were two things that were in every cheap shop I ever went in, all marked down to silly prices for what they were – one was the Swamp Thing Swamp Trap playset from Kenner (which I bought in a mini-online spend-up and was going to post a post about but have now lost) and the other was this, Captain Planet’s Toxic Sludge Dump from Tiger Electronics. Alias the Toxic Trap, this thing is pretty simple, fill up that red thing with slime, have your good guy knock on the door but! The door is not a door! It’s a vat to drown that ginger prick Wheeler in! The Captain Planet & The Planteers towline really shouldn’t have been as awesome as it was, it was based on a preachy eco-warroring tv show and produced by a company that usually made handheld LCD games, which you may have worked out are not action figures, and later went on to produce the utterly horrible handheld, but it was awesome, it was a line of big chunky colourful eco-villains, spot-on Planeteers and Captain Planet in all number of ridiculous, Kenner-level variants, one of which included the wonderfully ironic action feature of using water to make Cap look dirty. The only let-down in the whole line for me was All-American Captain Planet, not because it was disgustingly American but because they didn’t go far enough, he should have been covered head to toe in the American Flag and come with an eagle that shot an Abraham Lincoln shaped missile – Kenner would have done it. Oddly this didn’t come with a can of pot of ooze like we were used to via Real Ghostbusters, He-Man or TMNT (or Slime itself) but ooze you had to mix up with water first like some kind of horribly unpleasant (but non-toxic) icing.

A Special Force!
This was my big bargain, the person selling this didn’t know what it was and had it listed as ‘unknown paratrooper’ or something similar, and I was only looking through her items because I wanted to buy the TMNT Movie storybook and wanted something else to make the postage seem less horrible. What is this little chap? He’s from Sungold’s Special Force, a half-arsed attempt to knock-off G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero from the company that made Galaxy Warriors and Monster, they are not usually £2 including postage but funnily enough the only other one I have (who looks like Shipwreck merged with every Mexican villain in every movie ever) I got for 50p from a bootsale (he was utterly filthy though so I probably spent a good £5 on Fairy washing up liquid cleaning him). I’ll tell you what, as these are lesser known, here’s my little index for them, all four figures came in either predominantly blue (exemplified by the latter two figures) or predominantly green (as exemplified by the first two figures) and were sold either single carded or two-to-a-card, none of them had individual names:

Grown Up Action Figures!
£20 for both
This is just here to prove that yes, I do in fact buy serious adult collector’s figures on a regular basis even if I’m not at all serious about the term ‘adult collector’s figure’ – I know it serves a purpose for the product manufacturers (“this isn’t for children even though you’d think it was”) and I get not wanting to be looked down on, I get that people who turn up their nose or giggle at adults buying things aimed for kids is unnecessarily judgemental and flat out hypocritical when these ‘normal’ people casually collect junk like gnomes or Buddhas (despite not being Buddhist) or plates or snow globes or whatever else and this is considered so normal it’s not even worth thinking about but it’s the combination of ‘adult’ ‘collector’s’ and ‘figure’ that just sounds completely ridiculous to me, and like you’re hording sex toys. I also think it does us no favours to insist on using terms like it, it doesn’t make us sound like we’re trying to legitimize the things we like; it makes us sound like the out-of-touch freaks people think we are. Well that went off somewhere, what was I talking about? Figma! These are two Figma figures for Sword Art Online, which is very possibly my favourite anime, I’ve got Sinon on the way too. Kirito’s leg falls off fairly frequently, I find it too amusing to get annoyed at, you’ll shift him a little and PLOP his leg’ll be off again, “Kirito” I sigh in a way similar to how I’d admonish him if he’d knocked some books off a shelf, and then I ram his appendage back up him with just a little too much glee.

$10 the pair
Well, one’s a Frankenzelf technically because the copyright finally returned to Dam Things. I honestly have nothing interesting to say about these, I just wanted to post a picture of two monster trolls, one of whom looks suspiciously like Allun Armstrong.  Ooh I tell you what is mildly interesting; you see the swirl that Frankenzelf (that’s his actual name by the way) is using like an effect piece? That’s actually a small rubber device that allows you get perfectly pointed troll hair, how cool is that? And why did it take this long to devise it?

Super Robotic Ranger!
I saw this on a completely unrelated search (I think it was for Ninja Turtles) and for a moment I think I understood collectors who like their stuff on the card. My nan and mum used to both work at a cheap shop called Saint’s in the early-to-mid 1990s, it was a real classic cheap shop, a mix of cheap porcelain, copyright infringement and three year old toys where every space was filled, I fucking LOVED it and used to ‘work’ there during the holidays, where I just hung around, marvelled at the stock room and carried stuff for its owner, Sue Saint, whose husband the late Ron Saint, was the primary stockists of the UFO machines at Southend-on-Sea (and the man responsible for stocking Saint’s itself). While I couldn’t say for certain this particular knock-off Power Rangers line was sold at Saint’s if it wasn’t its very similar to the various lines they did stock and seeing it transports me back to Saint’s in an instant, but I know if it took it out of its packaging (which has seen better days) it wouldn’t have the same effect. Oh well, it’s not like I don’t have a selection of loose knock-off Power Rangers from this (or like I’ll stop buying loose knock-off Power Rangers from this era), Kimberly, sorry, Bimberly, can stay in her plastic prison.

Turtles in Sandals!
£8 for the two
I fucking hate sandals, they’re like thongs for your feet – impractical, uncomfortable, cover nothing and do their job terribly, in fact, in Australia they’re actually called thongs, but you know who doesn’t hate sandals? Feudal Japan! Feudal Japan was all sandals, grunting, beards and giant rabbits, my knowledge of this time period may be entirely based on the third TMNT movie, The Seven Samurai and Usagi Yojimbo, but I can’t see why any of those things would be inaccurate. Do you know who else doesn’t hate sandals? Four foot talking reptiles, at least when they’re being dressed by Playmates – think back, you probably had at least three Turtles in sandals, still I suppose their feet were the right shape to accommodate sandals perfectly and what the fuck am I talking about? I looked after most of my action figures, mostly because I’d get so upset if one got broken (I got attached very easy as a child), but I’m not perfect and some got broken over the years, my wave 1 Raphael and Michaelangelo got crushed under the weight of snow, for instance, and when I sorted through all my toys a couple of years ago I found that in the time between childhood and then my Donatello from the third movie had lost an arm and my Sewer Samurai Leonardo had lost most of his plates. These are the replacements, I thought the initials ‘disguised’ Turtles from the second wave were so cool, it was like they all went off to college and had separate careers – alright, those careers were astronaut, surfer, spy and samurai but I wouldn’t expect Ninja Turtles to have regular jobs. I never found the arm, by the way.

Melting Mervin!
The first wave of Fiendish Feet is getting their own post someday but Mervin here is from a much latter wave of yoghurt pots so he won’t be in that. Rather than refund me some postage, and by that I mean rather than figure out how to refund me some postage, the bloke I bought the rest of the Fiendish Feet off of asked if I wanted this slightly battered chap instead. He then devised the most ingenious way to send these pretty fragile containers to me – turns out they’re the perfect size to fit in tin cans, so I got three tin cans covered in brown tape through the post and was most confused. I had a parcel ‘broken into’ recently and a DVD nicked from it, I had this lovely vision of the same turd trying it with this parcel and being utterly baffled - then having a non-fatal heart attack because they’re severely allergic to tin, yoghurt and monsters.

You don’t want to know
End with a bang. This was the most expensive thing I bought this spend-up; this is Zabre Fang in its Zoids 2 form, a Europe-only Zoids line where Tomy released a bunch of old kits in beautifully garish colours under odd names. Zoids 2 has cropped up a couple of times on here because it’s one of my favourite toylines and responsible for some of my favourite toy memories. For instance: I found my first lot of Zoids 2 at a garden centre called Springtime, yes a garden centre, the place you buy plant pots and stone animals from and where old people eat cake. I dunno what it’s like in America but our garden centres sell everything from toys to koi to imported American sweets and have wicked seasonal sections for Halloween and Christmas, which is why we were at Springtime the time I found the Zoids. I was so happy and the Zoids were so cheap my Nan bought up one of every one they had including the big ticket items Ultrasaurus, Iron Kong and Zoidzilla – they were like £10 each. But it gets better, Zoids are not built for play really and they gradually fell apart so a few years later I went back to Springtime secretly hoping they’d have Zoids 2 again, but knowing they probably wouldn’t because it had been so long – nope, they still had all of them, so nan bought me them all again! I have no idea where that second set went, I know the Ultrasaurus fell apart under my bed despite not really being touched that much (such is the way of Zoids) so now I have to pay extortionate eBay prices for something that got a completely standard release in the UK and could be bought at fucking garden centres for pennies because they weren’t released in America. Sabre’s second only to Iron Kong in my affections, Zoids 2-wise, I was actually hoping to use what was left of the money I got for the Roton on getting a half price ‘Kong but there wasn’t any up on eBay so instead I got a silver-purple sabretooth tiger with more guns than The Punisher, while it’s not quite as cool as big gold and black gorilla I’m sure you’ll agree that’s still bloody sweet. Also I had a really nice artistic picture of Sabre for this post but because I’m a terrible photographer none of them were in focus so instead enjoy this regular boring photo.  

I was pretty unhappy with selling the Roton but it easily turned out for the best the end, I got some of my big ‘wants’ from the 1990s and a spattering of random other shit to keep it interesting. Now all together: when Mr Slater’s parrot says “hello!” – a geezer likes to get one on the go!’v never head of this song have you? Or The Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band, or I’m the Urban Spaceman, or Viv Stanshall, or Mr Cadbury’s Parrot…I’m so alone…

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