Sunday, 20 May 2018

Examples of Crap I Waste My Money on: Bootsale Report 20!

Play was stopped due to injury today. I squatted down to look at some old rubber monsters (and bought some, the three between the zebra and the witch below were from this stall, I like them so much I’m almost ok with them crippling me) and then couldn’t get up.  I don’t mean it hurt to get up, I mean I physically couldn’t get up, the bloke on the stall had to come and help me get upright (shush). After that my back has been in constant pain, from squatting, an action that uses the legs, only I could hurt my back with my knees (I actually think I hurt it yesterday carrying some fertilizer). I’ve been laying in bed for most of the day watching the WWE Network but I grew tired of sweaty men grabbing each other and once again realised that no matter how hard I wish it, Becky Lynch will not show up and offer to be my girlfriend so I got up and cleaned my ‘haul’ (I really need a less pathetic name), this was somewhat foolish as y’know, constant pain an’ all that.

I did pretty damn good, especially as I only got ‘round just over half the bootsale before ending up having to be helped back to the car. I mean that picture includes a monster who is clearly raising the roof, what’s to complain about? Actually what pleases me is that after a few weeks of moaning about not finding a lot of vintage or at least interesting action figures and toys I found almost entirely those – of course this means that this bootsale haul won’t be too full of variety, but on the other hand I’m not subjecting you to a fifteen paragraph sermon on why Strangers in Paradise is one of the greatest comic books ever, believe me when I say I could.  So with that in mind, are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll being:

Fearsome Flush!
£1 ($1.35)
Can we all agree on the following a) The Real Ghostbusters was one of the most delightfully creative action figure lines of all time and b) Fearsome Flush was easily the best toy in the line. Nope, no arguments, don’t come at me with your Haunted Humans Screaming Heroes Ecto-1 Firehouse HQ shit, Fearsome Flush is a possessed toilet that was specifically advertised as surprising the boys with ghost butt-bites. I already have a Fearsome Flush; I’ve had one since childhood HOWEVER at some point during that childhood I decided to stick animal stickers on it - I have no idea what possessed me to do this as I usually took great care of my toys so why out of all of them I’d choose to deface something as saintly as a possessed toilet I have no idea. Now I kind of love this about my Fearsome Flush - apparently the way to improve his concept is to stick sheep on him – but he’s not exactly display quality – because he has sheep stuck on him – now I could take the stickers off (although they’ve been on their so long I’m not so sure if that is in fact possible) but then I’d be sad that my old Fearsome Flush no lounge has his stickers, so instead I just decided to buy a second one (and HOLY SHIT A RGB FIGURE FOR A POUND!).
Also I swear I didn’t intend for it to look like Tony the Tiger was bursting out of Fearsome Flush’s mouth like a stripper from a birthday cake nor for Mikola (well technically I think he’s Warsman, don’t ask) is absolutely disgusted with having his picture taken – but then I couldn’t bend my neck or head so I should just be pleased I got anything that was supposed to be in the shot in the shot.

No Impulse Control in Physical Form!
£1 ($1.35)
This is Jumpin’ Jim Brunzell, one of the Killer Bees. The Killer Bees were a WWF tag-team during the Hogan-era that seemed to always be on TV despite being no-one’s favourite wrestlers. No one has ever said ‘the Killer Bees were my favourite tag-team as a kid’ because, well, because they were two vaguely bee-themed nobodies who had both suffered from terrible charisma bypasses. I think the Killer Bees are so dopey that they’re great but I really don’t need an 8inch figure of just one of them. That’s where the ‘no impulse control’ thing comes in, this guy had a spread of cool figures, though one that had clearly been picked over by other people and everything was a pound so the follow happened:
*grabs anything I’d remotely want”
“Jim Brunzell!”
*pays and leaves*
“…I just bought a dirty Killer Bee with a chewed thumb…what is wrong with me?”
*walks on”
“I just bought a dirty Killer Bee with a chewed thumb – I rock!”
*hurts back, comes home, sleeps, watches Becky Lynch, cleans toys*
“…I just bought a dirty Killer Bee with a chewed thumb… I rock but seriously what is wrong with me?”

Grub Sub!
£1.50 ($2.02)
Never has being derivative pleased so many nerds. The reason I like Grossery Gang’s action figure lines? Because they’re just Food Fighters. The reasons everyone else over the age of 12 likes Grossery Gang’s action figure lines? Because they’re just Food Fighter. Jesus, today is clearly over-generalisation today. Ok let’s apologise for that – some people liked the Killer Bees, some people like Grossery Gang’s Putrid Power and Bug Strike figures simply because they’re cool toys with a great deal of sculpted detail and way more paint apps than figures that cost £7.99 in 2018 should have and I’m just over-generalising for the sake of humour but… most of us like them cos they’re Food Fighters. This is why the only way to get one of Putrid Power figures online for less than £20 is to buy blind, y’know, one of those ‘we pick a random figure for you’ which is just code for ‘we got lumbered with a load of peg warmers’. Even Grub Sub here, who was the least popular of the food-themed figures in the first wave because he didn't specifically recall a Food Fighter of old, is gonna cost you about £20-25, unless you luck into a complete one (completely with Grossery Gang mini-figure pack-in) just as it’s being put out at a bootsale. Yeah this entry is just me bragging, when you get a sandwich man you gotta flex yo.

30p (40¢)
One of the things that (tragically) excites me the most when looking around bootsales, charity shops, junk shops and other such places is finding a toy gorilla and especially one I’ve never seen/never seen in real life. This is the former and isn’t he beautiful? Someone made a five-inch rubber gorilla in a sumo pose and it looks just like my paternal grandfather! Obviously you’ve never met or seen him but trust me, it looks just like him.

Freaky Fusion Recharge Chamber!
£5 ($6.74)
Monster High is dead isn’t it? As sad as I am to see one of my favourite toylines die I’m also one of the people who fled the line after its redesign/revamp/relaunch/deawsoming (I promise I won’t rant, I promise I won’t rant, I promise I won’t rant…) I’m not really allowed to complain. If there is an upside to it it’s that with the popularity and fad status of the line in such decline combined with MH having run for long enough for the intended audience to be growing out of fashion dolls for Monster High items to start turning up in good condition second hand at places like bootsales, which is a great opportunity for, well, me - and we know I’m the most important creature on the face of the planet don’t we? I have all of the ‘basic assortment’ dolls bar C.A. Cupid now (I think) but other items – like accessories or variants – have eluded me simply because I don’t have that much money to spend, but now I can get a Recharge Chamber for a fiver, happy days. This is a hair-styling accessory for the character Frankie Stein (with lights and sound) and is an exact example of why Monster High was so good, thanks to the knowledge and skill of its design team it managed to mix references to classic movie monsters of film and literature (in this case, the electrified set-up used for raising Frankenstein’s Monster in the old universal picture and everything that’s parodied that scene since) with fashion doll elements (salon accessories) to appeal to a huge audience (and trick little girls into buying horribly macabre things), things like this chamber satisfy everyone AND lights up and makes noises.  

Books That Are Going To Make Me a Suspect!
£1 ($1.35) for all four
Have I mentioned this before? If there’s ever a murder within, say, two miles of where I live and I end up being investigated by the police, the second they see my bedroom they are going to charge me with it, regardless of any other evidence and 78% of the reason for that is my bookshelves. These feature books on murders, ghost and Disney surrounded by skulls and Sonic the Hedgehog toys, I may as well have a lampshade made of human skin. Here’s me adding to it and making things worse by saying things like this: I’ve been looking for a  book on Harold Shipman, a doctor who killed his patients, for a while now; I’m really pleased to find that a book on the Shankill Butches exists and even more pleased that there’s a book of real-life tales of murder themed around Christmas, I am genuinely saving this for this x-mas and am going to read it like a ‘Christmas special’, I’ll watch Muppets Christmas Carol, The Peanuts Christmas Special and then read The Christmas Murders, it’ll be a great Christmas Eve; I’ve never heard of this Tobin fucker but then that’s why he’s the Forgotten British Serial Killer I guess (which is the title of this book, or similar to it, it hurts to get up and check so I’m not going to) and am really looking forward to finding out about him.
See? I’m the obvious suspect. Speaking of murderers…

The Most Morally Repulsive Thing I’ve Ever Bought!
£1 ($1.35)
Wrestling fans know who this is – for all the other imaginary folks in the imaginary audience: This is Chris Benoit (pronounced ‘ben-warr’, he's only ‘ben-noyt to Chris Jericho), this is a toy of a man who killed his wife and her child - a woman who also happened to be an ‘on-screen talent’ as Woman (a real favourite of mine) - and then killed himself. Not in-story, this wasn’t one of those edgy things that WWF/E occasionally do like having a wrestler brandish a gun or a gay marriage or two wrestlers shagging in a bed in the middle of the ring or having the son-in-law of the man who owns the company dress up as another wrestler and simulate sexual acts on a corpse (I am NOT KIDDING), no this was a real suicide-murder. Worse, this is a toy of this murderer specifically designed to be sold to kids, it’s an action-feature heavy (and fucking ridiculous) toy from Jakk’s Pacific’s Pump ‘N Flex sub-line (they’re supposed to have t-shirts on, but I kinda like ‘em like this, they look even sillier).
Obviously this was all made before he killed anyone, and during that time he was a beloved and skilled performer, one of the best wrestlers that WWE (and WCW before it) had on their roster so it wasn’t bad at all to make it, to buy it in 2018 knowing full well what he did though? Yeah that’s…yeah. So why did I buy it? Am I one of those ‘Chris Benoit for Hall of Fame’ dicks who think it’s genuinely ok to suggest a child murderer be in a hall of fame? No. Am I one of those people who can separate the character from the person playing it, even when they’re playing a character with the same name as their real name? Well yes I am, if I wasn’t I wouldn’t own Hulk Hogan or Ultimate Warrior merchandise and that is absolutely why I allowed myself to buy this, after all as he’s in full ring gear this is a figure of Chris Benoit the character and a character he played before he killed a kid – but I won’t say I did get a little illicit thrill from buying this and I’m bringing this up to say the following: I’m ashamed of this.

Do ya think the back pain might be karma? I mean I bought a toy of The Crippler and ended up crippled...

Jem & The Holograms on DVD!
£1 ($1.35)
Let’s not leave on that note, let’s leave on campy fun! I adore Jem & The Holograms so much – it was inclusive, it was fun, it was awful in all the right ways, it supported a great (albeit too short) toyline and it was filled with hot women with rock instruments. And being a cartoon based around attractive women who sing having it in DVD quality is pretty damn beneficial, act like a fucking 12 year old girl at a Backstreet Boys concert to great picture and audio quality.
All of you imagine this now please; imagine a big bald bloke, dressed all in black, with a wrecked right ear, in New Rocks, dancing around his front room singing and squeeing to Jem & The Holograms. Isn’t that a much better image to leave on?

So see ya!
My favourite Holograms song is ‘It’s Fun to be Scared’ by the way.

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