Geez, these feel really Gen
3 don’t they? Oh wait, that’s because they WERE Generation 3 mons! The line was
intended for Ruby & Sapphire but they were supposedly held back, only to be tweaked and released upon a world that would
hopefully see weird alien gastropods that look like you can ride them like ponies
and give a standing ovation.
I never see anyone talk
about these two/four other than in the context of that above fact. Which is
such a shame because, I repeat, they’re weird alien gastropods that look like
you can ride them ponies. They also did regional variants before it was a thing
(they have different forms depending on where in Sinnoh you catch them)! That
said I can’t say I really like Shellos’ goofy faces all that much, I suppose
they fit, what with these being weird creatures so give ‘em weird faces, but
they’re a little silly for me, not enough to make me loathe them, just enough
to keep me from loving them. I easily prefer the blue (East Sea) version - I
find the blobby ‘hairdo’ and spikes of the pink (West Sea) one just look a
bit…off, and while the spikes are probably anatomically correct for a type of
Gastropod of some kind they seem out-of-place on such a round ‘mon.
Both Gastrodons are
magnificent though – three eyed, horned, mouthless alien things. I like Pokémon
that look completely alien, and just by obeying the animal they’re based on,
Gastrodon manages just that, they’re cute, they’re freaky, nothing really
stands out on them as looking odd, awkward, ugly or unnecessary, they’re a win.
AND very helpfully Water/Ground, meaning their only real weakness is Grass and
Electric Types - the go-to type for one hit KOing Water Types - are completely
useless against them. So I get to feel all smug when some scrub tries to Raichu
my ass and my Gastrodon, probably called Flippy, laughs in their faces –
metaphorically, they have no mouths of course.
For 
These guys are great! Weird
ghostlike balloons that steal kids while being utterly adorable yet
ever-so-slightly unsettling were destined to jump into my favourites list, and
why wouldn’t Game Freak design creatures solely to please me? I’m a Pokémon fan
dammit – all new ‘mons must be designed to suit my personal tastes!
Sadly this was another set
of great Pokémon that were a pain in the arse to catch in Diamond & Pearl
while not really being any better than much easier to catch equivalents – with
only ONE being available in one location and only on Fridays – fuck that. I
hear less people moan about this though, so I guess less fans held a grudge
against Driftloon than they did against Combee?
GOOD! because I love these
two – we know I’m thoroughly biased toward the Ghost Type but even if they…nah,
I can’t finish that, I love ‘em cost they’re adorable, freaky, child napping
balloon ghosts - such a great idea for Ghost/Flying cos balloons sure are
ghostly aren’t they? Driftloon is just super-super cute - in design and super
cute in backstory, I always find little things that try to be evil but really
suck at it (like kidnap kids) adorable, Pain & Panic could come and live
with me. Driftblim is just unsettling, people make all those jokes about Espurr
seeing some shit but Driftblim’s eyes are way worse,, especially as they’re
attached to this abstract THING that just floats around AND IS A GHOST and not
a super adorable kitty. It’s also a type of monster that totally works with Gen
4’s too much designing issue, as the team’s need to put far too many markings
on Pokémon only serve to make Driftblim look more like a hot air balloon (and
more circus-y) without making it look less like a Pokémon (cos the markings are
the same style, get me?).
I would maybe have dropped
the red on its ‘feet’ but I go back and forth on that.
Fun fact, I have only owned
one rabbit in my entire life and it was called ‘Owl’ completely unironically
because I was a stupid and strange child. I now however call every Buneary I
catch ‘Owl’ because it evolves into a fighting type known for kicking things in
the face and that name is totally appropriate cos it sounds like ‘ow’ – I’m so
clever. I’m talking about this because I want to put things off.
Lopunny is another
Gardevoir you see, if you’ve missed ALL THE PORN you may not know this, but the
defining thing about a cute, curvy, feminine bunny is that a sizeable portion
of the fanbase wants to do horribly sexual things to it in every position you
can name (and has drawn all of this and posted it online). If you do know this
then all you want to know is, again, if I personally want to shag it or not.
Eh, I find it more attractive than Gardevoir, but I can’t say I want to have
sex with any animal, real or imaginary, it’s worth remembering this for when we
get to Tsareena and Salazzle, ‘k? HOWEVER without getting too far into things
about me you don’t need to know about, bunny girls = yes in my mind, I may not
want to shag animals but…well I have a FurrAffinity account (that I’ve neglected
for years), lets leave it at that and go on our way with the review shall we?
GOD Buneary’s cute, is it
supposed to look like chocolate? Because it really looks like it’s made out of
milk and white chocolate? Chocolate bunnies are a well-known thing, so maybe?
This isn’t a complaint, the only thing that can really improve a rabbit in my
eyes is a rabbit that’s also a Kinder Egg (or, I guess a Cadbury’s Marble bar as I’ve never seen in the
inside of a Buneary, nor do I want to). I would personally have made its feet
brown though just to give the overall design more balance:
Lopunny? I love the idea of
a bunny that kicks your arse while also being adorably clumsy and completely
cute…yeah that’s it’s personality, this was clearly aimed at the section of the
fandom that took to it wasn’t it? it’s a fucking anime girlfriend bunny. I have
no real issue with this, liking for bunny girls aside, Game Freak pull in all
kinds of things connected to an animal or concept when building a Pokémon and
bunny girls are a thing that existed long before Diamond & Pearl, Pokémon
and indeed Game Freak so it’s as viable an inspiration/element for a new rabbit
‘mon, especially as Nidoran went in the completely opposite direction and
became a Kaiju, more original but I’m happy it wasn’t repeated. Or maybe as
someone who grew up with Bunnie Rabbot and the Cadbury’s Caramel Bunny I just
expect female rabbits to be bangable. Actually, that reminds me, Lopunny
doesn’t have tits, not even the vague shape of them like Mismagius:
Likewise I find Mega
Lopunny to be a completely understandable design – Megas are over the top, so
the sexualized rabbit becomes an over the top sexualized rabbit! Yeah it’s
completely ridiculous but no more ridiculous than any other Mega and far too
ridiculous to dislike, and there are a lot worse things to evolve into than
Chun-Li.
For 
For 
Prior to doing this project
I would have been unlikely to populate a least-favourite Pokémon list because I
dislike least favourite lists and like making them even less but the few times
I contemplated it, Purrugly and Glameow were amongst those that I picked.
But now, after hating them
for so long, I have to explain why and I’m really having trouble, I just want
to shout ‘LOOK AT THEM!’ look at how their design fail in every aspect! look at
Glameow’s ear shape! it’s weird rounded tuffs of hair, look at how many times
its tail curls and where it starts curving! Look at Purrugly’s awful markings!
Look at it's ears! look at it’s horrible fluffy bits! Look at theeeem! But that
doesn’t really do a good job does it? I do feel better now though.
Basically these are Pokémon
that, in design terms, fail for me in every aspect and end up looking repulsive.
“but it’s called Purrugly, isn’t it supposed to look, well, ugly?” you’re not
wrong strawman, but something can the physically ugly without being an ugly
design, Ursula isn’t a pretty woman but she’s a lovely design, Purrugly is an
ugly design, a mishmash of things thrown
together and joined with horrible whatever-the-fuck markings, it’s an ugly
design, not a design that conveys physical unattractiveness. Kike Prinplup but
even more so, they’re designs that should have been left in sketchbooks after
having been reworked and redesigned until they were far, far better. The only
way to improve them as far as I’m concerned is to redesign them completely
around the same theme and colour-scheme (which I actually do like, the random
purple ears on Purrugly aside) of a thin snooty cat and a fat ugly snooty cat
with curly tails and then improve their stats, movepools and just everything
else about them - or just use Meowth and Persian instead and not shit out more
and more cats that never look as good as those two.
For 
I’ve warmed to Stunky’s
goofy arseface and honestly have come to be quite fond of it in a strange way,
I mean I still wish we’d got a skunk that wasn’t a giant arse joke and instead
had, y’know, been made to look appealing and not like an buttfaced Real
Monsters background character but I do find myself far, far less hostile to it
than I once was - maybe I’ve just got used to it, maybe it’s 3D models just
help it look better (they do add a roundness to it that really helps it’s bring
out the gag of having a bum face). Skuntank (good name) has never grown on me,
I thought it looked unimaginative then and I think it now, it’s an
exceptionally boring Pokémonized skunk with bloody triangles and THAT ONE THING
syndrome, this time, THAT FUCKING HAIR TAIL. I know skunks really do have
those, but there has got to have been a better way to abstract it that this, it
makes the Pokémon look fucking silly – and I know the whole line is basically a
joke line, it farts for a cry, it has an arse for a face, I get it, bums,
farts, skunks smell, lol, funny, but I really don’t think that excuses THAT FUCKING HAIR TAIL, you can be a joke character without looking this
shit-awkward (shikward?) of a design, I know it, I’ve seen it done, I don’t
know how to explain it, but I know it and someone should have done it because
THAT FUCKING HAIR TAIL *devolves into a screaming, useless, bad Poketuber who
can’t explain why he doesn’t like anything and uses criticisms that can be
levelled at his own favourites while frothing at the mouth and kicking
Eeveelution plushies around the bathroom* and why are only parts of the
markings outlined, Sugimori?
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