I’ve been ill
I was ill for 14 shitting,
fucking, arsing, pricking, bleedin’ weeks!
But now it’s time to
publicly say thank you to people anonymously for the cool stuff they gave me at
a gift giving celebration. Look I enjoy these if no one else does. I’ve
whittled it down to 8 for your sake - look grateful - but I could have written
about EVERYTHING I got this year – someone bought me a 3D puzzle of a dragon,
an anatomical model of a mammoth, a light up skull, a soft toy called a
‘Fuggler’ which I think speaks for itself, Space Jam socks, Ninja Turtle
glasses (for drinking, not reading), a Freddy Fazbear that shits slime from a
Kit-Kat packet and a book simply titled ‘You Are So Awesome’ (it’s true, I am),
that’s a lot of things I should be talking about and none of them are any less
cool than what follows.
I had a nice Christmas by
the way, it was quiet so I thought it might be depressing but it was really fun
– and the Tiger That Came to Tea is bloody weird.
Just fyi.
T-Rec!
There are exactly four
things you need to know about this:
·
It has the best
name
·
It records your
voice AND is a torch because toy designers are like that
·
My friend recorded
her singing Baby Shark on it which I can speed up to
Chipmunks-on-Amphetamine-Sulphate fast and slow down
The-Big-Show-doing-an-interview slow with T-Rec’s calf dial
·
My friend’s mum
(who gave me this, thanks!) bought the exact same present for her 1-year old
grandson
He-Ro!
This was an experience.
The planned for and
advertised - but never actually made - figures for the 1987 ‘Powers of
Grayskull’ spin-off line for Masters of the Universe (roughly summed up as:
cyborg dinosaurs carrying snake people and super wizards armed with giants)
were finally made years ago as part of Masters of the Universe Classics and I
have them both (He-Ro and Eldor) so I didn’t think I’d have much of a reaction
to buying, owning or in this case unwrapping Super7’s vintage-style versions
which of course were stupid expensive because Super7 overcharge for everything
then overcharge for postage on top of that and had taken so long to come out
I’d almost forgotten they existed – like everything Super7 does (I’m not a fan
of the company, can you tell? But they have so much stuff I want, they’ve just
made a My Pet Monster action figure, I can’t resist that - bastards).
I was wrong. Unwrapping it
was like a time travelling experience – everything about this feels like it
game straight from 1987 but it’s brand new. I sat there in Star Wars pyjamas
(they were a present, they’re really comfy though) unwrapping a brand new
Powers of Grayskull figure, I felt like every kid in those old Christmas photos
people post online while at the same time I was having an experience that they
couldn’t possibly have had because Mattel are dumb sometimes and it was fucking
heady. This is my first carded ‘vintage’ MOTU figure, being a little
younger than my fellow fans (I was 1 in ’87) I never had the experience
millions of kids had of getting a new Masters figure in the ‘80s (the first I
got carded were from the space He-Man line and that as in 1990/91) because all
of mine came second hand from bootsales (or later, conventions and eBay AND
bootsales) but this Christmas (at 33) I got that experience but better because
this isn’t just any ‘new’ ‘vintage’ Masters figure, this is the great lost
He-Ro. It was this mix of nostalgia, role-play and alternate reality all mixed
into one. So – even though you’re a bunch of knobs – thank you Super7 for
giving me that experience.
You’ll notice I haven’t
opened it yet, I’m having trouble with that. I’m genuinely considering picking
up a second one (with Eldor – who I now MUST own) and leaving this carded to
preserve the experience but I’ll probably give in and get him out, either in
that long wait that comes between Christmas and con season or immediately after
I realise how much that plan will cost me.
Becky! Becky! Becky!
I bought this with some
Christmas money and needed to post it just to celebrate there
finally being a Becky Lynch figure that doesn’t suck.
Sadly I took my picture
from a crap angle so you can’t fully appreciate the little things like: having
a face sculpt that doesn’t stink and actually looks like the woman in question
and not having giant man-hands because the face looks odd in this picture and
her right fist looks big. Luckily I also took a picture of her putting the
Dis-arm Her on Lord Zedd for Instagram:
Yeah, she has resting bitch
face but I’d rather that than some of the shit Mattel have put out in the Lass
Kicker’s ‘image’ in the past.
Darth Vader with a Force
Bazooka!
This is from the Rogue One
tie-in line so it’s old news to everyone but me but come on, it’s Darth Vader
with a huge fucking gun that shoots red Force lightning, I had to post it.
Hasbro bought Kenner in the
1990s, and I think that at least one former employee still works there. Or else
a huge Kenner fan because only one of those two would do something as mad as
this. Whoever let this lunatic be in charge of this figure – can you let them
be in charge again please? So we can have Power Army Cyborg Skywalker and neon
Gattlin’ Blaster Wicket and Ninja Power Leia?
Oh god, Kenner Madness Star
Wars in now my dream line
And the friend who bought
me this is a sneaky shit – well done, sir.
The Edvard Skellington T-Shirt!
Presenting to you: a happy
accident
The Scream by Edvard Munch
is my favourite painting – whether you think that the main ‘character’ is
screaming in despair or is despairing because he can hear an awful scream it
perfectly represents my soul. I own The Scream merchandise (I’m sure my
inflatable Scream must he on this blog somewhere if nothing else) I like it
this much.
But this came from my
little cousin, I phoned her on Christmas Day (as I do every year) and
enthusiastically thanked her and told her how great she was for remember that
The Scream is my favourite painting when I can’t remember her boyfriend’s
surname (sorry Adam) and they live together. Yeah, she had no idea (and is the
sort of lady to admit this) - she bought it because buying me a black t-shirt
with a Tim Burton thing on it equals guaranteed success when it comes to gifts.
It fits nice too – though it might not after three days of turkey and a curry
on the 27th.
Her sister bought me a box
full of chocolate – proof that even if they don’t know my favourite painting
they still both know me really well.
A Sack Full of Pokémon!
See this? This is just some
of what was in the CHRISTMAS SACK FULL OF VINTAGE POKEMON STUFFFED TOYS my
friends gave me (a couple I had, some were keyrings and are elsewhere, some
were Mr Men) and she was worried that I’d like my gift. Yeah they’re second
hand but they’re from the very dawn of Pokémon when the Pokémania was running
wild! These are little portals in time to when teenagers couldn’t miss an
episode of a kid’s cartoon! When people were getting stabbed for trading cards!
To when I genuinely ignored my family all Christmas to play Pokémon Red! To
when I wasn’t ostracised at school! To when Pikachu was mouse-shaped! AND
THEY’RE SQUISHY!
Well the smaller Pikachu
isn’t, it’s one of those light-up and sound ones that I SO BADLY WANTED but
never got because I was a teenager with no money and no-one would buy me one
because I was a teenage boy and shouldn’t be having cuddly toys at my age (the
big one’s a pyjama case, there was also a Pikachu backpack in the sack too).
I was very pleased with my
gift
I got home from my friends
Christmas meet up and dumped them all on the floor, I was so tempted to roll in
them.
BUT at the same time one of
my friends gave me a modern Mimikyu plush, Mimikyu has bonded with the other
‘mons but I still worry that he feels he was upstaged which he shouldn’t –
because he’s a Mimikyu - he needs a picture too:
Don’t worry Mimikyu, you’re
a Mimikyu, you’re equal to any amounts of nostalgia just by being a fucking
Mimikyu (and you have a TARDIS in your background when all they got was Snot,
The Toy Nobody Wanted – who I still identify with soooo much, but then I
identify with Mimikyu too)
And yes, I do have reviews
for Gen 6 to post.
PortAventura Sesame Street!
This was just a really nice
surprise and the sort of thing my mum had been doing for me (gift wise) all my
life and I never give her enough praise for - so this isn’t going to a very
funny section.
In November I went to
PortAventura World in Spain (shit, I’ve got a review of that to post too…) with
a friend of mine and they have a Sesame Street Land (with a really cool dark
ride) with LOADS of exclusive Sesame Street merchandise. As a Jim Henson
devotee I wanted all of it but especially these, I love figural theme park
merch, I always have, from the days of twisting my mum’s arm to buy me rubber
figurines of the Thorpe Park Rangers to today’s eBaying of Disney Vinylmation
it’s just one of ‘my things’. But I only had a small suitcase so I could only
get one of the three monsters. I chose Super Grover because of course but also
because it was his dark ride and I was on a Grover kick. I wasn’t especially
cut up about it or anything, honestly I was more focussed on the huge amount of
injuries I’d done to myself via pinecone (don’t ask) but I would have liked
‘em. While enthusing about Super Grover to my mum (because she’s daft enough to
listen when I do shit like that) I did say there were more but I could only buy
one, more as an example of how cool PortAventura’s merchandise was than
anything else.
But my mum remembered this,
checked online, found they had an online store and ordered me the other two,
had them delivered in secret then gave them to be on Christmas Day. And she’s
been doing this my whole life, she remembers stuff I say (half the time when I
don’t) and turns them into surprise gifts, she was amazing when I was a comic
collector and even more so when I was a kid but the thing is often it was the
smaller gifts, not the big wow presents – it was very obvious I wanted those,
so I don’t think I’ve ever given her enough credit for it, to her face or
elsewhere.
So lets make it clear: my
mum is great at buying surprise gifts, she puts an incredible amount of effort
and thought into things as small and stocking stuffers and table presents (she
got me this year’s Beano Annual, it’s good) and always has.
Green-Grey Sponge-Suit
Sushi Turtles!
These are six-inch scale
action figures.
They’re the best Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles figures ever made. They’re perfect (well ok: Donnie’s belt
is a little bit high – it should be where Leo’s is – but mine isn’t glued down
so I think it might just need a shift around). I don’t know what else to say,
they’re exactly right, the likenesses are perfect, the weapons are perfect, the
articulation is wonderfully worked in (these have full ball-jointed ab crunches
– under their shells! Magnificent!), each figure came with a slice of pizza
(sadly Mikey ate the other three before this picture was taken), they’re even
rubberier than usual Neca figures to recall Playmates’ Secret of the Ooze
figures.
I just…
They’re amazing.
They’re literally just what
I’ve always wanted. My dad smuggled me into see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
when it was in cinemas and I instantly wanted movie Turtles. Playmates didn’t
merchandise the first movie because they hated it, thinking it was too dark and
was doomed to failure - just in case you didn’t know it became the highest-grossing
independent movie of all time. When Playmates eventually released some to tie
into the sequel – which was nowhere near as good – the figures were decent (and
delightfully rubbery) and captured the ‘feel’ of the movie turtles but were
hardly accurate, especially their faces (Leo’s face still makes me a little
uncomfortable), they still became my ‘main’ Turtles for play though. Playmates’
2010s collectors’ figures for the movie however were a fucking embarrassment,
some of the most pathetic attempts at Turtles toys I’ve seen, they looked
nothing like anything let alone the Movie turtles, they were less on-model than
the old bootlegs! I didn’t even buy Raphael.
But these, these are
spot-on, these are just…they’re amazing.
Also from mum btw.
Aaaaaand I’m done. Thanks
to everybody who gave me a gift, the fact that you think enough of me to spend
money on me is fantastic but the fact that you think enough of me to put effort
into choosing those things is utterly delightful and very, VERY appreciated. Cheers,
all.
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