Thursday, 16 June 2016

Eight Examples of Crap I Waste Other People's Money On: Birthday 2016 Edition!*

I had another birthday, I tend to have approximately one a year , this one was a ‘big’ birthday, I was 30, I’m not dealing with this and frankly every time I have to acknowledge it it makes me die a little more inside but to fuckery with missing out on a chance for easy content so I’m gonna keep mentioning it, and keep wanting to jump in front of large moving vehicles, so long as I can milk it for blog posts. In this case a birthday means presents and in my case presents means a mix of things for children, things for people who never stopped being children and an array of things that would seem completely inexplicable to anyone who doesn’t know me on a personal level, and you know what that means right? That means another bloody Examples of Crap I Waste My Money on post. You’re so lucky.

Rowan and Mr Stay Puft!
I am… apprehensive about the new Ghostbusters film but even if it does turn out to be utter unbearable shite - and odds are about 50-50 at the moment – it will have already served us ‘busters fans well by giving us the first fully articulated figure of the No Ghosts Ghost – and making him look like he’s drunk and up for a fight with someone twice his size and probably from Bristol. Rowan the Destroyer and Stay Puft Balloon Ghost are the cream of the crop from Mattel’s first wave of tie-in toys for Ghostbusters and as we don’t get Hi-C over here I’m voting them the best thing to come out of the promotion for the new film (damn you Americans and your Ecto Cooler) because both figures are superb, both light up – which could be considered unnecessary if you’re a boring wanker and while a wanker I may be, boring I am not – and feel really, really nice: they’re not quite matte finish and not quite shiny and somehow feel like ghosts, this should be a logical impossibility as ghosts almost certainly don’t feel like anything except maybe putting your hand in frogspawn but feel up a Rowan the Destroyer action figure and then disagree with me about it, because you won’t be able to.

Danger Mouse Action Figures!
Oh, my, god it’s a dream come true – an action figure of Nero! Danger Mouse received a new cartoon series last year for CBBC (the children’s programming block for BBC 1) and it’s pretty good, Alexander Armstrong is Danger Mouse and Stephen Fry is the Colonel so it was never going to suck, especially as one of the co-creators is consulting on it and it’s being made by Cosgrove Hall still (albeit it a far different Cosgrove Hall) but much like Ghostbusters and TMNT: Out of the Shadows it could/can suck as much as it likes because the merchandise surrounding it will more than make up for it in the long-run, to wit: action figures of all the main Danger Mouse characters!!! (The Colonel and Stiletto have also been made, I just didn’t receive them for my birthday) as an action figure enthusiast who grew up with the original Danger Mouse these toys literally are something I’ve wanted all my life so are perfect for a ‘big’ birthday such as this one (well done; My Mum), sure they’re in the new art style but they exist and you can fire Penfold into the air like a little moley rocket dressed like Eric Morecambe. For the luddites, pictured are (Zip Wire) Danger Mouse, Penfold and Baron Von Greenback with Nero, his pet caterpillar who is the real star of the show, Jazwares better be working on a child-scale cuddly Nero. An additional bonus of the return of Danger Mouse is that this year we tragically lost Ronnie Corbett, so it’s nice that he can live on in his identical twin Penfold (as series 2 is already in production – yes!).

Pyramid O’Books!
I usually receive a nice selection of reading matter each Birthday/Christmas because I have a genuine love of reading about things I’m genuinely interested in – which as we can see here amounts to mostly comic books, rock ‘n’ roll, theme parks and murders – but rarely do they create such a lovely gradient when stacked, I’m tempted to leave them like this and use them as a playset of Danger Mouse. Ok, not THAT tempted as there’s some good reading here – amongst it the memoir of Oliver Postgate (the man behind Bagpuss, The Clangers and Ivor the Engine); the autobiography of Wilko Johnson (guitarist with Dr Feelgood); the second Imagineering book, which focusses largely on newer Disney parks like Animal Kingdom, Euro Disney and Tokyo Disneyland; Ghostbusters/TMNT which I recently voted as one of the top 30 TMNT stories of all time;  a  book of webcomics that mix Furaffinity and Bugsy Malone and the story of two kids who murdered their family and went on the kind of candy fuelled spree that  all children would love to go on if they had the balls to just murder their family and go for it, the pussies. What’s that? You’re not interested? What IS wrong with you imaginary people? Pink cats, Uncle Fester, Batman and murderers under 13, that’s the pinnacle of interesting! I’m not dull! I’m fun and attractive to the opposite sex! I am! I aaaaaaam!!!!

Demented Soft Toys!
My friends really know me well. Wilson the Giraffe is one of the Animazombs, I previous featured Snyder the Shark on another one of these bloody posts and while Wilson, or Necky as I’ve nicknamed him, doesn’t have exposed guts you can pull a fish through he does have a broken neck that’s held together with Velcro disguised as a plaster (Band-Aid) so I think that makes him just as awesome, he is the administrator for my soft toys, doing all the boring day-to-day office work that Burnt Raph can’t be arsed with, he was a present from Sam. The Nightmare Before Christmas Mopeez come from Simone, because she is also small and cute and very, very disturbing, I love them both but I think I slightly prefer Oogie Boogie: he just looks so much he hates you. The Soot Sprites meanwhile were hand made by Georgia, who’s an industrious little bugger and also made some for Sam (her birthday’s the week before mine) and insists on throwing them at the person receiving the gift… actually she insists on doing this for most things so I’m glad she’s never bought anyone a car. Georgia also gifted me £30 in pound coins, she did not throw these at me (odd for her) but did wrap each coin individually (normal for her) and for this is she is going to hell. I kid, she was already going to hell long before last week, and it was a genius twist on giving someone money and I thank her for the DVDs it shall buy but I am not kidding when I say my thumb was still raw a day later after unwrapping them all nor that we are still finding small pieces of wrapping paper, roughly the size of two pound coins, a bloody week later.

Ninja Turtle Party Bags!
I had all me mates over for a night of politically incorrect humour and birthday cake just before my actual birthday, much mirth (and mess) was made because we are mirthful and messy bastards and  my good friend Razzie made party bags (without my knowledge) because we’ve never really stopped being about 11 and of course this was the best idea ever, it really was (and it camouflages lovely with the tablecloth) and it also showed up just how thick we all are as only about two people could assemble those little parachutists you throw off the top of the stairs. Amongst the goodies were sweeties, Mario pencils because goddamn right Mario pencils, small dinosaurs and parachutists that showed us all up and made us think long and hard about our schooling – there was a good seven degrees minimum in that room, oh and stencils, one of which appeared to show the bombing of Hiroshima in comic strip format. Raz you are a genius.    

Big Red!
Oh. Yeah. I’ve been looking for this Predator since it came out and sold out everywhere in the known galaxy. Based on a Batman vs Predator fan film NECA showed that they are truly men of the people by producing Big Red in figure form and the part of the internet dedicated to adults buying toys of things that aren’t meant for kids went a bit mental and Big Red became impossible to get without selling a relative. I found this at the recent convention where I was despair-level depressed and my nan (of all people) had given me some money to get some presents from her, so my dear old granny bought me a murderous alien who really hates Austrians and men who dress up like fetish bats. Not to sound like a child but he, is, so, cool, NECA’s Predator figures are gorgeous but the added appeal of him being a fan character made official (Mattel I’d like to introduce you to a character called Keltra, [] she’s the daughter of Skeletor and you need to officialise her – and no she’s not my creation I just think she’s awesome) and him coming in McDoanld’s colours just elevates him, I think I may have to go outside and re-enact the start of Lion King with him. When I’m done with that he and Hive Wars Predator are going to team up in a buddy comedy.   

The Monster Book of Monsters!
I’ll be honest, this isn’t here so I can talk about the toy itself, though it IS awesome and I thank Hannah very much for buying it for me because it’s even controlled by stroking the spine and I love toys that come in boxes that are actually cages for the toy but this is here because I bought it at The Making of Harry Potter or The Warner Bros Studio Tour London or the Harry Potter studio tour (depending on how picky you’re feeling) and I want to talk/rave about that. My mum organised it as a surprise for me (it being a ‘big’ birthday an’ all that) with two of my friends: Sam and Hannah, because (her words, not mine): Hannah can drive, Sam can organise and she (my mum) didn’t want to go herself, and Sam & Hannah were the two who showed me the films in the first place. Yeah I’m really late to the Potter party, having only seen the films earlier this year but I am now fully hooked so being able to walk around actual sets and see the actual physical effects (holy shit they used so many physical effects on these films, in an age of CGI this fact pleased me nearly as much as the videos accompanying them that were hosted by Warwick Davies, but then Warwick Davies always pleases me – make of that what you will) plus I got to see things that had touched John Hurt, Alan Rickman and Robbie Coltrane and that would have made me happy even if I didn’t like the films/books and I really, really do like those things. The trip was made all the better by being taken by two massive Potter geeks (Hannah knows all the dialogue, and I mean that, all the dialogue) who were into the franchise from pretty much the start. We took many pictures where they looked gorgeous while I looked like a baked potato that grew sentience, including one at the foot of the two story model of Hogwarts they used for all the long shots of the school, a method so unnecessary but so appreciated in today’s CGI heavy world, although you really shouldn’t use salt to make it look like it’s snowed on your model – sure it looks spot-on but it eats at it like fucking Pac-Man apparently. I express my thanks to all those who were involved in planning this day out for me.
Izzy the Eater of Genitals
This is Izzy, he will eat your genitals and they will taste like mushroom, because Izzy likes irony as much as he likes eating your genitals. 

I’m done. Thanks to everyone for making my birthday awesome and keeping me from being utterly despondent at growing old, I appreciate it more than amusing metaphors can convey and you’re all amazing, especially Kevin. I’m off to hold up a Predator figure to the sun and play Elton John so I’ll leave you with Penfold versus Bebop & Rocksteady, I’m sure he’ll prevail easily:

"oh crumbs"

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