Letter From America: Nummy Treats Continues!*

I returned to Orlando, Florida and its theme parks and attractions after 20 years for a holiday. Going to Florida on holiday is a big thing for Britons and requires much saving and lots of effort (and lots of sitting watching whatever Virgin Atlantic put on their little screens). Letter From America is the blog-based fallout from this, we left the day before Hurricane Matthew hit and these posts are not meant in any way as a middle finger to those were killed, injured or even inconvenienced by the hurricane, we at AFB send our deepest sympathies to you all.

< Part 1
Welcome back True Believers, oh what's that? a lawsuit from Stan Lee, well the man did trademark 'excelsior' so I'm not surprised, I'll just file that in the 'ignore' pile. Anyway my Nummy Treats based Letter from America turned out to be very long, so here's another eight examples of the noteworthy crap I shovelled into my body for two weeks so I could bore fictional American readers an Englishman’s view of stuff you see every day and do not think is noteworthy or blogworthy in any way, shape or form. So are you sitting comfortably? Then I won't do another Kool Aid reference because I realised after I made it that there is no Kool Aid in either post, so instead, I'll being:

Snapple!

Again you fictional Americans look at this and go ‘so what?’ and I’m sure I would if this was an American talking about Ribena or Kia-Ora or whathaveyou but this is pretty much the same deal as Count Chocula; you can get Snapple in the UK but it’s not widely stocked, you certainly can’t get it in a six pack in a supermarket for the same price as six Fantas, Cokes or Sprites. So it’s something that’s very common in one country but very much a special treat in another, where I happen to live, so being able to just buy a pack of ‘em and drink ‘em like water then go out and buy another pack like any other every day drink is a big thrill for me.

Twix Ghosts!

I’ll admit I was a bit let down with the execution of this great idea, it’s just a Rolo Biscuit with a ghost stamped on it, I wanted something a bit more ghost-shaped and maybe with white chocolate. It is however a big medallion of Twix and that is delightful in every respect so that made up for it, and it does have a really good ghost stamped on it, he is so evil and happy as hell about it.

Snickers Pumpkins!

These are much better executed, they’re actually pumpkin shaped, in fact they’re weird stretched ghostly pumpkins stretching out at you from a haunted house ride that has suddenly come to life and become filled with real spirits, including those of root vegetables. I may have gone too far with that but they look way better than the Twix Ghosts is what I’m saying, they’re still just a medallion of their parent bar but that’s still fine because Marathon Snickers are tasty.  Having investigated it, Snickers and Twix are the only chocolate that’s the same on both sides of the Atlantic and it’s a really nice link to home for me, a man who gets homesick if he goes to Wales for two days. 

Klondike Choco Tacos!

If food could give you an erection, this would do it. Alright we have a Magnum wrapped in a waffle cone (slightly chewy because these are frozen) then someone has scalped a Feast and laid that on top of it to seal it. I really don’t see why I have to write anything more here, that’s just…brilliant.

Wendy’s Baconator Combo with Baconator Fries!

This is possibly the least vegetarian thing I have ever eaten; there is so much meat and cheese in this picture I could cause the whole of Glastonbury to feint at once. I kid, most of my friends range from Pescitarian to full on Vegan so I have no issue with such things, I’m just not in any way bothered about scarfing down huge amounts of animal flesh and this wonderful spread from Wendy’s is my idea of fast food perfection. I already knew Wendy’s was magic because they have square burgers but this meal makes them almost divine, it’s such a satisfying salty, bacony, meaty, cheesy thing to pig out on. Again this is something that most Americans will see (well, would see, no one reads this blog) and say “so what, that’s like their Big Mac, who cares?” but we don’t have Wendy’s and even if we did I’m pretty sure that something like Baconator Fries would be a health code violation because nothing that tastes this nice can be in any way good for you.

Scary Cakes!

Never again. I like Halloween rebranded food, I’ve made this clear before and will continue to make it clear because I think it’s awesome so I had to have some of these but fuck me they’re sweet. They’re so sweet they made the Sunkist I drank with them taste sour, now just looking at the box makes me feel ill. I am never going near one of these things ever again. 

Dagwood Sandwich!

This seems like a really cult thing for Universal’s Island of Adventure of offer, I know Blondie is bigger in America than over here but their Toon Lagoon, which features loads of classic newspaper strip characters like Blondie, Flash Gordon and Popeye, really seems quite obscure a thing to base a park land on in a day and age where most kids think the Smurfs debuted in a CGI motion picture. I fucking loved it but then I have a lot of interest in a lot of things that many people have forgotten all about, including Blondie, the comic strip where this tower of a sandwich originates. One of the characters (Dagwood) is infamous for making huge sandwiches including all kinds of shit like whole hams and fish so Universal built the restaurant Blondie works in and made it sell the closest thing to these Dagwood sandwiches you can make in the real world - instant purchase. It’s a good sandwich and that’s coming from a man who doesn’t really like cold sandwiches at all. It’s such a good sandwich that just the act of me eating it near him convinced a friend who has never heard of Blondie (I’m not sure he’s heard of the band, let alone the American newspaper strip that shares its name) to go and get one, he thought it was a good sandwich too.

Klondike!

I almost forgot to have one, almost forgot to enjoy the best Choc Ice on the market, but we stopped for petrol on the way to the airport (and the nice but very sleazy bloke working there let me use the staff toilet, top man). Klondike bars are so fucking nice, uurgh they are just…aaaaargh they’re so good. The ice-cream’s lovely, the chocolate is thick and tasty and they’re just big blocks of pure snack pleasure and I wish I could eat one right now but I can’t because I’m in another country and all the shops are shut anyway and I am not worthy and will have to make do with Tesco’s Own choc ices which are nice and have always had great wrappers but they’re not Klondike bars, bloody fucking shit, faaa!

It appears that lucidity has eluded me which means I will stop this now, I thank America for having such a great selection of junk food and thank you for reading about it, if you existed you’d be very patient people.