On the 13th of June I turned 30, I’m not dealing with this so instead I decided to both ignore and celebrate me lasting so long by writing a whole bunch of top 30 countdown lists.
No fucking about, straight into part 2 before All Hallow's Eve gets here and I'm still writing the intro paragraph.
15. Alice: The Madness Returns
Spicy Horse, 2011, Sony PlayStation 3 / Microsoft Xbox
360 / Microsoft Windows
Wha’appen?
While in the real world Alice is trapped lost in Victorian London trying to
remember what happened to her father, Alice returns to a Wonderland corrupted
by the Infernal Train and sets out to find out what’s going on.
Why? Alice in
Wonderland reimagined as a horror-goth nightmare world that mixes platforming
and hack ‘n’ slash gameplay, that’s why. I have a bit of a thing for the two
Lewis Carroll books and pretty much anything based on them, so twisting them
into the style and genres that I personally prefer pretty much guaranteed that
I’d like the games enough to list ‘em on something like this. I actually prefer
Madness Returns despite it being a sequel with half the challenge; the
inclusion of the mental health elements and repressed memories, the improved
platforming and the utterly gorgeous new weapons and costumes and many classic
locations have that nice derelict feel to them but I wasn’t going to choose
between the two and make this a tie. I have a huge amount of nostalgia and warm
feelings for the original American McGee’s Alice and it has much bigger and
better boss fights, more prominent roles for the bigger Alice characters
(Hatter, Hare, Queen of Hearts, The Jabberwock etc) and is just a good game as
well. Then I remembered that Alice: The Madness Returns INCLUDES American
McGee’s Alice as standard so by just choosing Madness Returns I actually choose
both!
14. Zombies Ate My Neighbours
LucasArts, 1993, Sega Mega Drive / Super Nintendo
Wha’appen? Dr
Tongue unleashes his army of monsters onto a nearby suburb, teenagers Zeke and Julie
set out to save their oblivious neighbours.
Why? Is the
top-down shooter/arena shooter/isometric shooter still a thing? I’m sure it is,
I’m sure Steam and PlayStation Network are filled with them I just don’t care
enough to find out, I hope so because they’re bloody good fun to play. Sure
you’re never going to top Robotron: 2084 but you can do fun things with them,
like turn them in a wonderfully cartoony homage to every horror and b-movie
possible. Under the fun of the b-movie pastiche though there is actually a game
with a lot more skill than many top-down run ‘n’ gunners, going around blasting
anything is a good idea when you’re surrounded by zombies, angry robot dolls
and masked serial killers but you’ll do a lot better taking your time, dodging
and aiming. So why is this good – it’s a wonderful mixture of fun and skill for
anyone who likes shitty horror films. And boy do I like shitty horror
films.
13. House of the Dead Overkill: Extended Cut
Sega, 2011, Sony PlayStation 3
Wha’appen? AMS
Special Agent G (on his first mission) and local cop Isaac Washington team up
while both investigating Papa Caesar. They set out to stop the zombies mutants who have overtaken a
Louisiana town with the help of Varla Guns and Candi Stryper, the sister and
girlfriend (respectively) of the scientist Papa Caesar and his boss, a local
prison warden, have kidnapped.
Why? Because
it’s motherfuckin’ Grindhouse the motherfuckin’ video game motherfucker, that’s
fuckin’ why. It’s a motherfucking 70’s exploitation film turned into a
motherfuckin’ rail shooter turning every motherfuckin’ cliché and fuckin’ trope
up to motherfuckin’ 11 and then throwing in Motherfuckin’ G from the whole
motherfuckin’ House of the Fuckin’ Dead series and Isaac Motherfuckin’
Washington, one of the greatest motherfuckers in video games. As for why it’s
the motherfuckin’ Director’s Cut and not the fuckin’ controversial as fuck Wii
original – that’s fucking simple motherfucker: the motherfuckin’ Director’s Cut
keeps everything from that motherfucker but adds a whole bunch of extra
motherfuckin’ things including the utterly fuckin’ loveable Candi Stryper who
should not have fucking died and should have totally fucking came back at the
end with a motherfuckin’ mini-gun strapped to the top of that fuckin’ ice cream
truck and saved the motherfuckin’ day. This is literally the only fuckin’
reason to own a motherfuckin’ PlayStation Move.
12. The Suffering
Surreal Software, 2002, PlayStation 2 / Microsoft Xbox
/ Microsoft Windows
Wha’appen? An
earthquake rocks Abbot State Penitentiary on Carnate Island and strange
supernatural creatures swarm the prison and island that has a horrendous
history including slave trade and burning innocents at the stake. Amongst this
chaos Torque and other prisoners are trying to escape, Torque is on death row
for the murders of his wife and children but did he do it, and is he
insane?
Why? It’s
funny how things happen, half way through writing this I went to a friend’s
house and she was half-way through playing this for the first time. She didn’t
find it that scary (in fact she finds Dino Crisis scarier, I can see her point)
and it IS more action-orientated than many Survival Horror games, with the
player being able to hulk out and bash the fuck out of the monsters (Who are
all supremely well designed and very creepy, even if the most common enemy does
look like Voldo from Soul Calibur, mind you he’s creepy anyway). I find it the
whole thing quite unnerving though, you run through a prison filled with the recently
(and brutally) deceased fighting Silent Hill 2 style twisted symbolic monsters
and three villains who each have taken on the form of a different kind of
method of execution. A lot is done with the history of this terrible prison and
the flashes the main character is experiencing are all very scary. I do
absolutely agree that the higher quantity of weapons and ammunition and the
hulking out feature do take some of the terror out of things, it’s simply less
scary to be somewhere when you know you can kick everything’s arse (obviously
you could negate this by playing on a higher difficulty but you shouldn’t have
to). Despite that everything else is well done and well creepy, making it kind
of the Survival Horror game you can play when you want the qualities of both
Silent Hill and Streets of Rage II.
11. Fatal Frame II: Crimson Butterfly
Tecmo, 2003, Sony PlayStation 2
Wha’appen?
Twin sisters Mio and Mayu Amakura are visiting their favourite childhood play
spot before it’s lost to dam construction in the area and come across the Minakami
Village, once the location of the Crimson Sacrifice Ritual. Mayu goes missing,
leaving Mio to search the abandoned town for her; it only gets worse from
there.
Why? Because
it is utterly terrifying – play this game, it is amazing, but
play with the lights on and at least three people in the house and then watch
Frozen afterwards, twice.
10. The Last of Us
Naughty Dog, 2013, Sony PlayStation 3
Wha’appen? In
an America ravaged by a mutant Cordyceps fungus that has made people into The
Infected, survivor Joel agrees to smuggle Ellie to Boston for a rebel group
called the Fireflies, Ellie, a young teenage girl, is immune to the fungus.
Why?
Objectively this should probably be in the top 3; it’s an amazing video game
experience from the start and just looking at the box gives me a better play
experience than any sports game EA has released since 1993 so why isn’t it?
Personal preference when it comes to horror sub-genres, pretty much anyway – I
prefer ghosts, werewolves, slashers and kaiju to vampires, post-apocalypse and
zombies – I probably should have rated Fatal Frame 2 and the Suffering above
this really but I couldn’t leave it out of the top 10, it’s just such a good
fucking game. If you think this game has been overhyped, it hasn’t, everything
about it top of the line, from story and dialogue to gameplay and level design,
Ellie is one of my favourite video game characters, now I’m overhyping it
aren’t I? Goddammit.
9. 3D Monster Maze
J. K. Greye Software, 1982, Sinclair ZX81
Why? Here is
what you do in this game, a game made for a computer with less memory than a
jpg file, you have to walk around a maze for a long as possible trying to find
the exit before a T-Rex turns up and eats your arse. It is so tense, so tense I
didn’t believe it when I was told (by magazine Retro Gamer) but then I played
and yes, yes this game is genuinely unnerving, this is more unnerving than any
post-PlayStation 2 Silent Hill game. I can’t believe I’m saying it, you can’t
believe I’m saying it (if you existed) but trust the fuckhead here and play it,
you will suck at it at first because it’s an early 1980s video game, an era of
video games that epitomised ‘easy to learn, hard to master’ but you will play
it, and play it, and play it and it will tighten your damn sphincter. Will it
tighten it as much as Fatal Frame 2? Probably not. Will it tighten it way more
than a game where you can see the 1s and 0’s has a right to? Oh yes.
8. Devil’s Crush
NEC, 1990, NEC TurboGrafx-16
Why? I
genuinely love pinball video games; I like them better than IRL pinball, I’m
actually better at them than IRL pinball – I suck at IRL pinball but I’m
sufficiently adequate at digital pinball and on that I’d like to give a shout
out to Digital Pinball: Lost Gladiators and Digital Pinball: Necronomicon on
the Saturn because they’re some of the finest of the genre I’ve played and no
one ever mentions them. This is my favourite pinball game (in fact every game
from 9 downwards is taken from a Top 30 Video Games list I made), all NAXAT
Soft really did was take a basic scrolling pinball game and cover it in the
sort of imagery you see airbrushed on the side of monster trucks, that’s all
you need to do - pinball is fun by itself but it’s much better when you’re
bouncing off of spider skulls and medieval nightmares.
7. Night Trap
Digital Pictures, 1992, Sega Mega CD
Wha’appen? The
Sega Control Attack Team have sent undercover agent Kelly Medd into the Martin
House as part of a slumber party, five girls have already gone missing and SCAT
(really) want to know what’s going on – well the girls are being drained of
their blood to keep the Martin family, who are of course vampires, fed.
Why? Oh no,
not an FMV game! Yes a fucking FMV game, if FMV had a place anywhere it’s
replicating a cheesy horror movie surely? Even though this came out in the
1990s it was made in the 1980s (it’s release was delayed by the cancellation of
the VHS based console it was made for, Nemo) and as such it has every 1980’s
horror movie cliché possible and that is wonderful – it even has its own theme
tune that is performed in-game by the most obnoxiously 80’s member of the cast
– this is mostly why I love the game so much, the concept called for everything
including the kitchen sink from shitty horror movie tropes, if you’re going to
make a horror movie I can control I want the ultimate experience and by god
Night Trap delivers. It’s cheesy, it’s tacky, it has acting issues, it has one
quite famous person (Dana Plato, who looks great), it has a couple of moments
of creepiness, it’s glorious, it’s the 1980s b-movie you can control. Also I
really need to get this off my chest; the Augers really look like The
Gentlemen’s mooks from the Buffy episode Hush.
6. Rule of Rose
Punchline, 2002, Sony PlayStation 2
Wha’appen? In
1930 Jennifer is lead back to an abandoned orphanage by a small boy only to
wake in an airship ruled by the Red Crayon Aristocrats, a group of children,
beyond that…well things are a little confusing but Jennifer finds her memories
of her own childhood as she tries to appease the Red Crayon Aristocrats.
Why? The game
utterly fascinates me, it draws me into its strange ambiguous lore and doesn’t
let me go and I hope it does the same for you because the combat is not exactly
perfect (the best way to experience it with an Action Replay I find) so if you
aren’t taken in by the rest of the game you may think I’m talking bullshit for
putting this in the top 10 - if you aren’t already convinced I’m full of crap
after the FMV game. It’s beguiling, it’s chilling I don’t have any more to say
about it, experience it, if you don’t see what I (and other fans of the game)
see that’s ok but if you do, well…
5. Maniac Mansion
Lucasfilm Games, 1987, Commodore-64
Wha’appen?
Under the thrall of a sentient meteor who fell into his mansion 30 years ago, Dr
Fred Edison has kidnapped Sandy Pantz (yes) and now her boyfriend David Miller
and his group of friends (I can’t remember their names because Razor outshines
them all, she is the best) break into his home to face his family, their two
tentacles, the meteor and worst of all, Chuck the Plant, and them without fuel
for the chainsaw.
Why? Ah, from
two games I’ve felt the need to defend to one that needs no defence, all of the
SCUMM Engine games rocked and it seems that everyone knows this and accepts it
as the gospel it absolutely is. Objectively I think we can all agree that the
first two Monkey Island games are the best of the SCUMM titles but even though
they do feature an undead pirate they’re not horror games by my definition and
anyway this isn’t an objective list this is my list and I like horror movies,
b-movies and punk girls. Maniac Mansion is just gold from start to finish, even
if you don’t get all the nods and references (and they’re not as heavy as in
some games, I think Zombies’ is more reference heavy myself) it’s a great fun
game that never takes itself too serious and uses a great set of stereotypes to
tell a story’s 1 part Return of the Living Dead, 1 part Rocco’s Modern Life and
2 parts Gary Larson. SCUMM also has a lovely interface that means you can play
it with just about anything from a joystick to a keyboard so there’s that, god
Lucasarts were great back when weren’t they?
4. Splatterhouse
Namco, 1988, Arcade
Wha’appen?
After sheltering in the West Mansion, college student Rick Taylor combines with
sentient Mayan artefact The Terror Mask to rescue his missing girlfriend
Jennifer from the so-called ‘splatterhouse’, which may be alive.
Why? Fuck me
everything in this game is so well designed, everything, every enemy, every
boss, every background tile, you could make action figures of all the sprites
and they’d look badass, which is nice when you consider how derivative
Splatterhosue is at its core. Anyway my favourite way for describing this game
is that it’s like watching a horror movie through a letterbox it’s that
authentic feeling but that’s actually incorrect, it’s like watching the events
of a horror movie through a letterbox. That is the events are real and
happening and you are in a pillbox or something to avoid being personally
attacked by a giant skinless man with chainsaws for arms. Oh Biggy Man, Biggy
Man is probably my second-favourite boss of all time (sorry Biggy but the Green
Hill Zone boss is just…well…it’s The Green Zone boss, please don’t chainsaw me
to death), Cross Boss is more controversial (and removed in the inferior TG16
version) but Biggy Man is pretty much exactly what I just described – a huge
skinless man with chainsaws for arms and a bag over his head – and you get to
use a shotgun against him in a setting from Friday the 13th – it’s just shit
hot.
3. Five Nights At Freddy’s
Scott Crawthorn, 2014, Microsoft Windows
Wha’appen? Mike
Schmidt has a new job as a security guard at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza, a
restaurant with a tragic and murderous past that’s closing down after
complaints of poor hygiene surrounding their free-roaming animatronic mascots.
So what’s the problem? Well those animatronics roam the restaurant at night to
keep them ‘in shape’ and they will think you’re one of them and…stuff you in an
animatronic, which will kill you.
Why? The
criticism for ‘Freddy’s that I am most unhappy with is ‘it’s just a jump scare
generator’: the main focus of the game is, yes, avoiding jump scares (which I’d
like to remind people are in fact scary, sure they’re easy scares but scares
nonetheless) but ‘just a jump scare generator’ it ain’t. Just a jump scare
generators are those gag games that made the rounds years ago where you played
a simple maze and then a picture from The Exorcist jumped up, because there is
nothing to them but producing (or avoiding) a jump scare. Freddy’s isn’t like
that, a huge amount of design work has gone into it, it feels like a real
restaurant chain that has been open for many years, everything has been put
together with a good knowledge of its inspiration (particularly Showtime
Pizza), the animatronics have character and personality and more so it’s a
complete game. Those fucking mazes aren’t complete games, FNAF is, I think
people have gotten so used to games that do lots of things they forget that
classics of the industry just did one thing – shooting something, steering
something, playing sort-of table tennis ripped off from Ralph Baer. Anyway
aside from scratching that particular itch (and thank you for indulging me)
Scott Crawthon should be proud of himself, to give so many scares with so
little, because FNAF might not be ‘just a jumps care generator’ but it is a
simple point and clicker, perhaps the simplest kind of point and clicker, but
Crowther’s skills with design and atmosphere (and humour) make it something so
much more, well done Scott. Also I am seriously bothered by these sort of
rudimentary animatronics, when I was a kid our local bowling alley – the Roller
Bowl – had a life size lion band playing in its kid’s party room, I spent all
that party just watching them nervously, waiting for them to strike and looking
for places to hide/escape when they did, one of our gardens centres wheels out
a polar bear band for their Christmas Wonderland every year and I treat them
with the same weariness, why do kids find these things charming? They’re
juddering, shuddering demon robots.
2. Luigi’s Mansion
Nintendo, 2001, Nintendo GameCube
Wha’appen?
Luigi wins a mansion in a competition he didn’t enter, and upon meeting his
brother there finds Mario is missing and vows, despite his terror, to find his
beloved sibling with the help of Professor E. Gadd and his Poltergust 3000.
Why? WHAAAAT?
Hear me out – now I’ve said before that I’m a Mario fan so obviously I like it
because it mixes Mario with Survival Horror and does so seamlessly, it’s also a
top notch game in terms of regular things like coding, level design, gameplay
and so on but then it’s a major Mario title and they generally are good
all-rounders, a lot of very talented people do some very good things with them,
if you want to excuse Mario Sunshine from that I’ll accept this. No, no, the
reason this is here is because it is the perfect gateway drug for Survival
Horror – anyone can play this, it’s difficulty curve and Mario theme is perfect
to convince people – kids, your mum, your wussy girlfriend/boyfriend, your mate
who hates Silent Hill (I have one of these and he fucking LOVES Luigi’s
Mansion) – to sit down and play it and that’s it, they’ve got the bug. This is
the one ecstasy pill on holiday of horror video games, get them to play this –
completely great – game and soon they will be shooting up with Silent Hill 1-3
and Haunting Ground once a day.
1. Silent Hill 2
Konami, 2004, Sony PlayStation 2
Wha’appen?
James Sunderland comes to Silent Hill because his wife has written him a letter
from the town – bit of a problem, she’s dead. Things only get worse from there.
Why? There’s
no other choice, yes some of the voice acting is…sub-par but my god everything
else about this is so, so, so, so fucking great. I’m overhyping again aren’t I?
In fact if you don’t like/haven’t played Silent Hill 2 I can totally understand
why you’d sneer at another prick on the internet singing the praises of this
bloody game. Sorry but this game is Survival Horror done at its best, this is
how you do it (though obviously it’s best to do it with actual voice actors and
not three people you found down the 7-11), the symbolism, the atmosphere, the
inexplicable weirdness, it’s all done so well and, oh god I hate that I can
never write more for my number 1 picks but that’s because all I can ever get
out is ‘THIS IS SO GOOOOD’ because this is so good, Crimson Butterfly is
scarier but Silent Hill 2 is just…it’s just so fucking good and I know that
everyone’s said everything that can be said about it and whole papers have been
written analysing it and just fuck it, I’m finished, I’m gonna go play it and
repeat ‘haters gonna hate’ under my breath over and over completely
unironically.
And with that all I have left
to say is: Happy Halloween! And thanks for reading.
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